Back Online!!

Woo Hoo!  I am back online!  Well, I was able to be online-it was just on a very limited basis.  (Basically my phone with a 3"x2" screen)  With my crappy eyesight, that was next to impossible to read anything.  (Procrastination at its finest...one of these days I WILL get in for an eye exam and proper glasses) 

The good news is that it was only the cord that was causing my laptop not to work.  Whew!  I was afraid that it might have been the motherboard.  That would have been quite costly.  Its amazing how attached and dependent we become upon our electronic devices & toys.  At least for me, anyway.  I'm not big on watching TV so I spend a lot of time on my laptop/Internet.  

While my laptop was down, I had caught up on some reading.  Read a few good biographies.  (I'm partial to them for some reason)  I was pleasantly surprised with Ozzy Osbourne's biography.  Me being such a big Ozzy fan since the early 1980s, I thought I knew all that there was to know about him.  Like I said though, I was surprised to find quite a few nuggets of info that I wasn't aware of before.  I also read Rick Springfield's autobiography.  It was mediocre.  I just had a hard time getting into it.  Maybe its because I've never been a huge Springfield fan.  I mean he's "okay."  Had a couple of catchy tunes from the 80s.  I never watched him when he had his reoccurring role on General Hospital.  Now I WILL have to admit, he is an extremely good looking man for his age.  He is 63 years old...amazingly four months OLDER than my dad!  You could definitely say that he's aged well.

Still looking for a damn job.  If I just had a car I would've had a job by now.  There's just nothing around here!  All of the good jobs are in Columbus.  (go figure)  I do have a couple of leads on jobs and plan to follow up with those this week.  Its a short week since Thanksgiving is Thursday but hopefully I'll be able to make some headway.  All I want for Christmas is a good job!  Sheesh!

Until next time...
Tootles Noodles! ♥

Technical Difficulties

Laptop is down.  Not sure what's wrong and not sure when I can get it looked at.  Depends on if I get the job Tuesday.

The Crud

Me and my big mouth.  I had just been bragging the other day about how I never get sick.  Pffft, guess who is now sick?  Moi!  Hopefully its just a cold and doesn't end up settling down into my chest.

Why is it that we always want our moms and soup when sick.  I want my mom's homemade veggie soup.  Unfortunately she's been gone for 16 years now-so I'm not getting that soup any time soon.  Oh sure, I could get some soup from somewhere.  Its never the same as your mom's, though.

I envision myself crawling into my comfy bed early tonight.  Surround myself with my plethora of pillows, snuggle under my comforter and find something good on TV.

Self-Sufficiency

I suppose you could say that I'm in a better frame of mind tonight.  Not a lot, but slightly.  The solution is easy.  I MUST get out of my living situation.  Sounds simple enough, right?  The hard part is getting there.  There's no one person to blame-its just a bad situation.  And, the fact of the matter is that I KNEW this shit would happen...eventually.  Not sure why I didn't prepare myself better.  Well, I know why.  Because with the majority of things in my life, I postpone, procrastinate or flat out avoid things are a) uncomfortable, b) painful (physically, mentally & emotionally) c) difficult, d) that I can't do perfectly or e) all of the aforementioned.  Of course I know what's wrong with me, my "character defects" and whatnot.  (Those psychology classes in college weren't for nothin')  My problem is that I don't know how to "fix" myself.  I don't know where to start.  My perfectionism tends to throw up a giant brick wall.  Its as if my "Super-Ego" screams "Well if I can't do it perfectly, fuck it!  I won't do anything!"  Meanwhile, my "Ego" and "ID" suffer the consequences...along with everyone else.  Obviously THIS is a prime example of where I need a therapist.  IF I could ever get in to see one!  I'm to blame this time on the therapist issue.  I still haven't called back to reschedule with at least somebody.  'Scuse my French but I've had a serious case of the "fuck its" all week.  

Back to the topic at hand...moving.  (See, there goes my ADD rearing its ugly head.  Sidetracked and distracted are my middle names)  I knew three years ago when this living situation began, it was not going to work.  In all fairness, the relationship with the former boyfriend was already on very shaky ground and I wanted out.  Actually to be honest, I've not been happy in the relationship for a good five years or so.  I think I was just hoping that things would change.  Obviously they didn't.  And like I said, once we got into this living situation three years ago, I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work.  Getting out has been very difficult.  I don't believe in regrets and "do-overs."  Although if I did, I would go back and make sure that I would NEVER get to a point in my life to where I was financially dependent on another person.  THAT has been the reason I have stayed in situations much longer than I should have or wanted to.  Eh, ya live and ya learn.  That will be one mistake that I won't be making again in the future. 

On a side note, the Italian Festival is this weekend and guess who is not going yet AGAIN?!  Moi!  Eight years in a row and counting.  There are many things that I haven't done in the last nine years since being with the (former) boyfriend.  Hence, one of the reasons that we are no longer a couple.  He doesn't share my interests and refuses to compromise with them.  But, enough of that mess.  I won't slam him.  He's not a bad guy.  We are just too different. 

Hell's Bells, I just realized...two posts in a row.  Maybe I'm starting to climb outta my funk after-all.

Anhedonia

Wow, its been quite a while since my last post.  Just not "feelin' it"...still not "feelin' it" and am basically forcing myself to post.  This has been one of my worst and longest episodes in quite a LONG time.  I know it will pass and I will get through it.  I just wish it would hurry up.  One of my biggest problems is that I still haven't found a job.  Although, I have a few leads on a couple of positions.  Now I just need to motivate myself to follow through.  Motivation...pffft.  One of my biggest problems.  No motivation for anything at all. 

I checked into going back to a therapist.  That has been a great deal of frustration so far.  I had my initial appointment several weeks ago.  A three hour evaluation, which is a pain in the ass.  I was shocked at first because the appointment was on a Thursday and the counselor set me up with a therapist the following Tuesday.  Relatively quick around here.  Unfortunately the therapist's assistant called me on the preceding Monday to let me know that the therapist would be out all week and that I would need to reschedule.  Ugh, okay.  Frustrating but shit happens.  She scheduled me for the following week on a Friday-which was actually today.  (Oct 5th)  I got another call from the assistant on Monday.  Turns out this damn therapist will be out all week again.  Nice.  I didn't bother to reschedule.  I didn't even bother to return the call.  I am going to have to later today, though.  Sure, I'm pissed off about it but I'm not going to get anywhere at this rate.  I'll just have to call and demand that they get me in with a therapist that will actually BE there for the appointment!  

I'm sure that if I were to see a psychiatrist that he/she would want to put me on more medication.  (antidepressants)  I'm already on one at a very high dose.  I seriously doubt its effectiveness anymore.  I've been on it for around 7 years.  I would like to be off of it but the discontinuation syndrome is pure HELL!  It is one of the worst, if not THE worst antidepressants to get off of.  

I gotta do something, though.  This is not living.  I am just existing...and I am miserable. 

"Don't cry because its over. Smile because it happened."

Its official now.  The "estranged" boyfriend and I are no longer estranged...and we're no longer a couple.  Although, we really haven't been a couple for years now.  I wanted this-so why am I so sad?  The relationship has been crappy for years and I've wanted out for years.  I don't know.  Maybe its the finality of it?  Although that probably will not fully hit me until I move out.  That's the unfortunate part of the situation.  I cannot financially afford to move out just yet.  The good news is that he is being understanding and empathetic to the situation.  He...that just sounds odd.  What do I refer to him as now?  The "ex?"  We were together for nine years but we were never married.  We were engaged for a while.  I'm really not patient enough to explain to people how I live with my "ex".  We have agreed that the plan is to remain friends.  I do hope that is a realistic wish.  We have been through A LOT of shit together.  More shit than some married couples who have been married for decades. At one time I considered him my best friend.  Actually I think we were better off as friends.  Calling him my "friend" right now doesn't seem accurate either. 

I guess I'll go with "ex."  The only situation where it would be sticky to explain is if I were to start dating again.  Which, NO THANKS!  I have no plans whatsoever to get into that mess anytime soon.  I want to be single and figure out myself before I even attempt getting close to anyone again.  Frankly I don't have the energy, patience or desire to even think of dating someone.  Right now my priorities are (in no particular order) getting a better job, getting my own place, going back to school and spending more time with my kids.  Although the latter part is difficult.  My kids are getting older and have their own lives.  I try to steal moments here and there. 

Our friends don't really know yet.  I've told my kids but I don't think they consider us "broken up" until I move out.  We haven't told his mom-just don't want to deal with the drama that would come along with that!  She would have to be completely ignorant to not know something is up.  We are not-nor have we been affectionate towards each other, we don't go anywhere together and for the last month or so we don't even sleep in the same room together.  Of course his mom is not the most perceptive person in the world so she may not even realize it.  They are not an affectionate family either, so things may appear normal to her.  That's one of the issues he and I have.  I'm big about family and I used to be affectionate.  I am Italian-American after-all. 

Something positive has to happen.  I've had too much negativity here lately.  Some of the stuff I won't get into.  I don't want EVERYTHING published in this blog.  Let's just say its not been a very good year.  Actually the last three years have been pretty negative.  I'm still sober, though.  That's definitely a positive.  Nothing is worth drinking over.  Ever.

I'm thinking that maybe another reason that I've been so teary is that its the anniversary of my mom's death.  Actually I just realized that it is almost to the minute right now.  16 years and it still sucks.  Its times like this when a girl could use having Mom around to cry to.  At times I feel incredibly selfish.  I feel "ripped off" by her damn cancer.  There's so many things that she hasn't been here to enjoy with me.  It also makes me face my own immortality.  Right now I am only four years younger than the age she was when she died.  Obviously I do not know if I will suffer the same fate that she did.  Although, I am diligent about my breast health, just in case.  I think I might start living as if I would have her fate.  That way regardless of what happens, I'll have no regrets.  No shoulda-coulda-wouldas.

L'amo la mamma.
Buona notte!

City vs Country

This is my original home...the Columbus skyline.  Beautiful, isn't it?  I have about had all that I can take of the "locals" bitching about "city people."  For the past eight years or so, I have lived in one of the largest counties in Ohio.  However, it is largest in AREA-not population.  It is a county directly next to Franklin County...which is the Columbus and surrounding 'burbs.  My original home. 

Now I'm not saying the city is for everyone...and that's fine.  You are either a "city person" or a "country person."  Nothing wrong with being either.  Its a personal preference.  I'm definitely a "city person."  However, I do on occasion enjoy the simplicity, beauty and laid-back feel of the country.  I just wouldn't want to live there.  In some areas of the country, folks are generally very friendly, polite and quite hospitable.  I have family in parts of West Virginia and have vacationed in many parts of the South.  (Tennessee and NC)  You can be driving down the street and see old folks sitting and relaxing on their front porch.  Its nothing to have them throw up their hand, nod their head conveying a warm and welcoming "Hello."  That's nice.  It restores my faith in humanity.  

Down in WV where my family is from, apparently they don't believe in street signs.  Either that or the damn things have been stolen or shot down.  I get lost every damn time I go down there.  Directions down there go something like this, "Well, ya go back down how ya just were coming in.  Now you'll see a fork in the road...ya wanna veer to the right.  Once you're back in the holler you'll come to another fork in the road.  Then you'll wanna veer to the left.  After ya pass over Hickman's crick (creek), you'll come upon Old Widah (widow) Hettie's Farm.  There you'll wanna take the second dirt road up the holler...don't take the first one, younse need a 4 wheel drive up that road..."  By this time I'm usually looking at the nice gentleman like he has a third eye.  They usually lose me at "the holler."  On occasion I've even had folks offer to take me where I'm going by me following them.  I've offered to give them money in the past but they never accept it.  Usually saying "No thank ye Ma'am, just being neighborly and Christian-like."  Oh if only all Christians would be "Christian-like."

However, its not always like that.  Maybe its a territorial thing, a personality thing, who knows...but the "country folk" around me tend to be assholes!  I don't even refer to them as "country folk."  To me, they are white-trash-hick assholes! All they do is bitch about how "city people" are assholes and rude as hell.  How the crime in the city is outrageous.  FYI, Columbus' crime rate is relatively LOW considering the population.  In fact, I have read reports that say the crime rate per person is actually LOWER in Franklin County than out here in Licking County.  Try explaining that to some of the twits out here, though.  

They bitch about city traffic yet I find the traffic out here MUCH worse.  They don't know how to drive and apparently the cars out here aren't equipped with turn signals.  Traffic lights and stop signs appear to just be suggestions.  Learning how to merge onto a highway also must not have been a prerequisite to obtaining a driver's license.  Also, the concept of the "left fast/passing lane" is foreign to them.  Its nothing to see one in the far left lane going 50mph or so.  

Crime rate?  Don't get me started on THAT!  Oh sure, the murder rate out here is fairly low.  They just molest children out here, cook up meth and blow up houses.  There was actually a couple busted a few weeks ago for cooking Meth in a Walmart store!  For real!  And it seems that every other week somebody is being arrested for child molestation.  NOT AN EXAGGERATION!  Last week a man was sentenced to 15 years for molesting/raping a 7 and 13 year old...impregnating the 13 year old.  This week a 33 year old man was sentenced for molesting/raping his foster child.  Nope, no crime out here!

I'm just sick of it.  Its a small town and seems like everyone knows everyone.  They are able to pick out a "city person" in an instant and have no qualms about rudely voicing their opinions of the city and "city people."  As I work with the public, I have to deal with these assholes on a daily basis.  I have recently grown quite tired of their rhetoric and have started to fire back with FACTS.  I was told to "F**k Off!"

Yeah, and apparently I'm the rude one.

I can't wait to move back to the city.