"I may not be where I want but at least I'm not where I was."

Its funny how things have a way of humbling a person.  I suppose these things are different for each person based on his/her beliefs.  Some people would call it God, the Universe, Karma, whatever floats your boat.  I tend to think its all of the aforementioned.  

I was at the grocery store earlier this evening around 7pm.  Getting the weekly groceries and such.  As I was in line checking out, I see a woman about my age come speed-walking in.  I mean this woman was definitely on a mission.  So much so that she couldn't be bothered to come in through the Entrance-which was another 20' or so past the Exit that she came through.  

I was finished checking out and was on my way to the car when this same woman came from behind me, still in a rush.  She was parked close enough to me that I was able to get a better look at her...and smell.  I looked over and thought "Holy shit, I know that look."  The woman had some serious shaking going on.  I'm surprised that she was able to get the key into the hole in the door.  She looked like death warmed over and smelled like alcohol, hard liquor.  
 She took off like a bat outta hell and was speeding like a maniac down the road.

I know what old girl was doing.  I know that look and odor all too well.  Her mission was to find liquor...and FAST!  Girlfriend was in withdrawal.  I'm sure that she made a beeline to the liquor store which is inside of the grocery store.  It was closed, today is Easter.  My question is why didn't she just get some beer, wine or lower content adult beverage?  Of course that's probably my alcoholic thinking, though.  Sure when I drank I liked Gin, Rum, Vodka but in a pinch I had to qualms with settling for some wine.  (Chardonnay, Merlot & Barolos have a higher alcohol content than most other wines-by the way)  

Maybe this woman wasn't an alcoholic.  Maybe she was just a problem drinker with a bad hangover.  Who knows.  Regardless, I'm glad my days of going through that routine are over.  Depending on the situation, this was an every  day event for me...if not more often. (Running out of my supply and racing to get more)  The horrible shaking and auditory hallucinations when one's blood alcohol level has dipped too low.

Yes, today was just a friendly little reminder of where I used to be.  It humbled me and made me VERY grateful that I'm no longer there. 

 

Fricking Family

I SWEAR what they say IS true about family.  All the sayings about how they can be a pain in the ass, ya can pick your friends but not your family, etc.  In all of my 42 years, I will never understand mine.  (Some members, anyway.  Others I understand all too well.) 

 Forever Family in Italian

I received bad news about my older cousin L who is an end-stage alcoholic.  She now also has end-stage liver failure and it was told to me that "she would be gone by the end of the year."  Now this is no surprise to me-not the way her health has been in such decline.  She has had detox after detox and each time the health care professionals say that she will be dead if she goes back to drinking.  When you know much about alcoholism, you learn to take that kind of thing with a grain of salt.  Yes, sometimes they do die after the next drink.  Sometimes they go on for years.  I have no idea why and neither do the so-called professionals.  Probably comparable to the same way some people can linger on with a terminal cancer while others succumb to it rather quickly.  And that right there is one of my main theories behind how our society needs to treat alcoholism like a type of cancer.  I don't mean biologically, but rather pathologically.  I'm convinced that there are different types of alcoholics as there are different types of cancers...thousands even.  Thus, there are hundreds of different types of treatments.  I think that we are in our infancy stages where alcoholism treatment/cure is concerned.  Although, there are some awesome strides being made in research these days.  Still, we are far from aggressive treatment and a cure.

Where was I going with this?  Oh yeah.  L really has no one.  Her mom and brother live halfway across the country.  My uncle (her dad) lives close to her but it might as well be a million miles away.  For whatever the reason their relationship is pretty estranged.  I have my theories and I feel that they both are to blame.  She has no friends and has lost her long time companion a couple of years ago.  They were never married but might as well have been.  

She's not "old" either.  At least I don't consider 50-something old for dying of end-stage alcoholism and liver diseased.  I've been wanting to go visit with her for quite some time now but am pretty limited in where I can go.  She lives an hour's drive from me.  Right now L is in the hospital but will be transferred to a nursing home soon-where she will go to die.  She had two other brothers that are deceased-suicide.  Unfortunately this is a family trait along with the alcoholism issues.  True be told, I think she wants to die but doesn't want to outright do it like her brothers did.  

I understand that family has to detach from the alcoholic, really I do.  I found myself in that situation before.  But there is a difference from detaching in a healthy way and total abandonment.  My aunt (her mother) has not been made fully aware of her condition.  In my opinion this is wrong.  I understand that my other cousin is just trying to protect their mom.  God knows the woman has had enough drama in her life.  With that being said, it still is her daughter and she deserves to be told.  What if L dies before my aunt could see her and say goodbye.  

The other one who cares about L is my aunt C.  Actually L is my second cousin but I just refer to her as my cousin in the hopes to keep it from getting so confusing.  (I'm probably making it worse)  My aunt C and cousin L are first cousins and close in age.  Apparently they were very close growing up also.  

I just cannot stand to see anyone die alone.  That has got to be one of the worst things in the world.  Nobody deserves that.  I think between my aunt C and I, we can at least be there for L in her last days.  

Like I said before though, I just don't get it.  Its as if most of the family says "Oh yeah L is drinking herself to death.  She'll be dead soon enough and we'll be rid of her."  They don't actually say that word for word but its the attitude they project.  

The older that I have gotten the less I judge.  I've found out the hard way that you just never know what you will do until you are put in someones same situation.