Self-Sufficiency

I suppose you could say that I'm in a better frame of mind tonight.  Not a lot, but slightly.  The solution is easy.  I MUST get out of my living situation.  Sounds simple enough, right?  The hard part is getting there.  There's no one person to blame-its just a bad situation.  And, the fact of the matter is that I KNEW this shit would happen...eventually.  Not sure why I didn't prepare myself better.  Well, I know why.  Because with the majority of things in my life, I postpone, procrastinate or flat out avoid things are a) uncomfortable, b) painful (physically, mentally & emotionally) c) difficult, d) that I can't do perfectly or e) all of the aforementioned.  Of course I know what's wrong with me, my "character defects" and whatnot.  (Those psychology classes in college weren't for nothin')  My problem is that I don't know how to "fix" myself.  I don't know where to start.  My perfectionism tends to throw up a giant brick wall.  Its as if my "Super-Ego" screams "Well if I can't do it perfectly, fuck it!  I won't do anything!"  Meanwhile, my "Ego" and "ID" suffer the consequences...along with everyone else.  Obviously THIS is a prime example of where I need a therapist.  IF I could ever get in to see one!  I'm to blame this time on the therapist issue.  I still haven't called back to reschedule with at least somebody.  'Scuse my French but I've had a serious case of the "fuck its" all week.  

Back to the topic at hand...moving.  (See, there goes my ADD rearing its ugly head.  Sidetracked and distracted are my middle names)  I knew three years ago when this living situation began, it was not going to work.  In all fairness, the relationship with the former boyfriend was already on very shaky ground and I wanted out.  Actually to be honest, I've not been happy in the relationship for a good five years or so.  I think I was just hoping that things would change.  Obviously they didn't.  And like I said, once we got into this living situation three years ago, I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work.  Getting out has been very difficult.  I don't believe in regrets and "do-overs."  Although if I did, I would go back and make sure that I would NEVER get to a point in my life to where I was financially dependent on another person.  THAT has been the reason I have stayed in situations much longer than I should have or wanted to.  Eh, ya live and ya learn.  That will be one mistake that I won't be making again in the future. 

On a side note, the Italian Festival is this weekend and guess who is not going yet AGAIN?!  Moi!  Eight years in a row and counting.  There are many things that I haven't done in the last nine years since being with the (former) boyfriend.  Hence, one of the reasons that we are no longer a couple.  He doesn't share my interests and refuses to compromise with them.  But, enough of that mess.  I won't slam him.  He's not a bad guy.  We are just too different. 

Hell's Bells, I just realized...two posts in a row.  Maybe I'm starting to climb outta my funk after-all.

DOES Sobriety kill a relationship?

Way back when I first realized that I had a problem with alcohol, I had heard and read that many relationships do not survive when a person gets sober.  I can fully understand how this could happen...yet I always said that it would never happen to me.  However; years later, I think it may be.  

Its no secret that The Boyfriend and I have not been getting along.  Its to the point now where its not even that we fight.  That's the red-flag.  We DON'T fight.  I don't feel the need to anymore, I've pretty much given up.  He's not going to change and I do not want to live the rest of my life like I have been for the last few years.  The problem is that I feel guilty and I don't know how to get past that.

We have been together almost 9 years.  We've been through a lot together and he has saved my ass countless times.  He has been there for me when nobody else has and I'll always love him for that.  We are just not compatible anymore.  We don't share the same interests and don't want the same things in life.  His mother lives with us and that definitely has put a strain on the relationship.  It was fractured before and with her living here the last 3 years, its really gone South.  We have no privacy.  We don't go out ANYWHERE as a couple and I think that is the major problem.  The living situation would be almost bearable IF we made time for us.  I've mentioned this hundreds of times.  Nothing changes.  I've resigned to the fact that it never will.

The boyfriend made a comment the other day.  He said that I have changed since becoming sober.  I'm sure I have.  He commented that it seems as if I don't care about the relationship since I've gotten sober.  I don't think that's it.  I think becoming sober made me wake up to things that I do and don't want in life.  I'm no longer willing to be unhappy and just drink to "deal" with it. 

The problem is my financial situation.  I'm working but its only part-time and minimum wage.  Obviously can't make it on that.  I am college educated but in this economy its still very hard to get a decent job.  Hell, it took me quite a while to just get the minimum wage job that I have now. 

What I want is quite simple.  I want my OWN apt.  It doesn't have to be anything fancy.  I just want it in the town where my kids are.  (about 15 miles from where I am now)  My oldest two (almost 23 and 19) are pretty much on their own.  "Bam-Bam" (my 19 y/o) is off to college and only comes home for the Summer.  "Quack" is my youngest and just finished his Freshman year of high school.  I would like to be able to get an apt big enough for he and I.  I'm not real fond of the town they live in.  (Quack lives with my dad and step-mom)  But, I've swore that I would not pull him out of that school district.  Plus, all of his friends are there.  I'm a city person and I want to move back to where I'm from.  I've promised to tough it out, though until he graduates. 

I'm going back to school, also.  This is where it gets sticky and difficult.  How to work, afford an apt big enough for myself and son AND attend college.  It can be done it will just take quite a bit of searching on my part.  (Find affordable housing for us, etc) 

Just not sure what to do about The boyfriend or how to go about it.  I know for the time being, I need to get back into some therapy.  I'm getting increasingly depressed about my current situation and there's nothing that I can do about it right now.  I need to get back into counseling to figure out how to deal with it...without drinking, of course.

Relationships!

I saw this little quote the other day & it really hit a nerve with me.  I am tired of trying with The Boyfriend.  We've been together over eight years and it has progressively gotten worse each year.  Especially in the last couple of years.  His is not going to change.  And I cannot live with the issues that he refuses to work on, change or even compromise.  Hell, most of the time he won't even fucking acknowledge the issues.  Or, he will but then either say nothing or change the subject. 

I was going to create a separate blog to write about this.  I need a place to vent about it.  Its really not necessary for me to create another blog devoted to my relationship problems with The Boyfriend.  He doesn't even read this blog.  Even if he did, he wouldn't bring any of this up to me.  And he sure as hell wouldn't do anything to change.  He hasn't changed in eight years and he ain't going to.

I'm not sure when I will be able to leave-hopefully sooner rather than later.  It really depends on me finding a job that pays enough for me to support myself.  Plus then there's the issue of me going back to school.  I was going to go for my RN but I'm thinking about changing it back to LPN.  Worst case scenario; I would graduate sooner and be able to get a job that would pay enough.  

I dunno, who knows what I'll end up doing with the degree situation.  I'm sure I'll change my mind several more times.