Resurrection!

Middle English: from Old French, from late Latin resurrectio(n-), from the verb resurgere‘rise again’ 

No, I am not dead...or in rehab...or jail...or the nuthouse.  ;)  Although, metaphorically speaking, you could probably say I've been in all of the aforementioned.

Things out West did not work out.  Phoenix was beautiful and I LOVED it out there.  I had an awesome time for the most part.  It ended badly and one day I will go into it more.  It may have cost me a very good friendship...probably one of my best and longest friendships.  All over a giant misunderstanding.  I'm still baffled.  One day I hope to get to the bottom of it.  

Now, with that being said, I'm obviously back in Ohio.  Licking County.  Ugh.  Yup, the same damn place I've been trying to get out of for so long.  That may be changing very soon, though!

Obviously I kind of abandoned my blog, here.  It wasn't entirely intentional.  I will admit that I did get entirely wrapped up in going out to and being in Phoenix.  (One day I'll blog about my adventures there)  I finally arrived there June 18th and returned August 14.  My laptop took a crap on me a while back...the motherboard went out...or that's what is suspected.  I have not been shut off from the Internet this entire time.  Been getting online via my cell-phone.  However, blogging is just not conducive on a cell-phone.  At least not for me it isn't.  Nevermind the fact that I DESPERATELY need glasses and cannot see small print, etc.  I now have a freebie laptop.  It has its issues but it was given to me.  Ya won't hear me complaining.  Also, it was given to me from an unlikely source.  But, that is for another blog day, also.

The rest of the reason for my blogging absence is basically my lovely depression.  My genetic predisposition to climb into my own little world and disappear for...god knows how long.  Although, there are worse things that I could climb into.  Oh say...a bottle...drug-house...ya know, things like that.  I was never IN a drug-house but I'm not saying that it was beneath me at one time.

However, I am back and I bring with me good news...I think.  It looks as if there is a good possibility of me having a job in Columbus and moving to Columbus!  Oh how I've wanted to go "home" for so long now!  Back to the city...my city!  This living in the sticks is for the birds.  I know there are tons of people who love nothing more than living out in the middle of nowhere, etc. NOT ME!  I detest it...with a passion!  Very much a city-girl.

I look at this as a resurrection.  The last 10 years of my life have not been so great.  I don't believe in regrets, so I can't say I regret it.  I am, however having a VERY difficult time finding the good in the last 10 years.  If nothing else, I guess it was a decade of lessons?  

By-the-way, pardon the appearance of my blog.  I don't know what's going on with it but I do not like the looks of it right now.  I'm somewhat irritated with Blogger and was thinking about switching to another blog site.  I just hate doing that, though.  I would have to learn a new set-up, etc.  Although, it appears as if this Blogger has changed quite a bit and I'll have to learn it all over again anyway.

Well anyway, I'm staying here for now.  With Blogger, that is.  Otherwise, I hope to be moving on and back to COLUMBUS!

Even if you are not a "city person;" ya gotta admit this is a lovely city!

36 Days...

...until I move to Phoenix, Arizona!  May 21st is the day.  I've started packing and going through stuff.  Well, not so much packing in the traditional sense.  More like going through all of my junk; throwing out what needs trashed, keeping out what I will take with me now and boxing up the stuff that will stay here until I come back for the rest of my stuff. 

I'm taking mostly clothes and basic essentials for the initial flight out to Phoenix.  I originally thought that I would have to pay out the ass for extra checked bags but now I really wonder.  I've went through all of my clothes and quite honestly, I don't have that many after I've weeded out the stuff that doesn't fit.  (I'm trying to decide if I want to have a yard sell and make a little extra cash or just give it all to Goodwill)  Its aggravating that I don't have many clothes but I can't be too pissed about it.  They're all too BIG!  Most women do not get pissed when their clothes become too big!  ;)  I'm wearing anywhere from a 4-8 in pant size.  (Stupid how clothes makers vary so widely in sizes)  I must have that body dysmorphic thing because I honestly feel like I'm still chubby.  Maybe its because I'm so out of shape, have virtually no muscle tone and a LOT of excess skin.  (My goal is to work on that and tone up)  

Anyway, where was I?  I get so easily distracted.  Oh yeah, the moving.  Like I said, I'm boxing up a lot of the other stuff so that it will be ready for when I come back to move ALL of my stuff.  My tentative plan is to fly out there, get settled in at Kim and Rob's & hit the pavement looking for a job.  Once I have a job I'm going to sock away every penny I can into savings.  I'll be going out there with some money but I want to build up as much as I can in savings "just in case."  Ya never know what may come up.  Plus it will be just me out there-nobody to bail my ass out financially.  But that's a good thing.  Its about time that I become financially independent.  Actually independent in general.  I just realized that I have always lived with someone-save a couple of months when my daughter was little.  (I had split up with her father and it was before I had gotten with my now-ex-husband.  She and I had our own little 2-bedroom apt for a little while.)  

Once I have the job and savings, I'll get an apartment.  I've already been checking them out online.  Here's where the "tentative" part is.  My plan is to fly back to Ohio, rent a U-haul and load everything up.  I'm hoping that this is July or August when my boys are on break from school.  I hope to have them drive back to Arizona with me.  I figure it would make the trip and moving much, much more enjoyable.  I'll get to spend time with the boys & we'll get to see several states that we've never been to.  It takes 30 hours to drive it straight.  More realistically though, I've heard that it takes two-two and a half days to drive it.  Probably wouldn't drive it straight through because even with us taking turns driving, we're still not going to get good sleep unless we stop somewhere.  I figure we could do it in two days easily.

Then they can help me move all of the stuff into my apartment and hang out with me for a week or so.  If they can stay long enough and I have the money to do it, I want to take them to the Grand Canyon while they're there.

  Again, none of us have been there.  I've already decided that we MUST take mules down in the Canyon.  That would be awesome.  The mule does all of the work and you're freed up to look at the sites, etc.  I would absolutely LOVE for my daughter to come too but I highly doubt that would happen.  She probably can't get the time off.  She could come another time and it would just be her and I doing the quality mother-daughter shopping spree!  I know the first place I want to take her too!  The Fashion Square in Scottsdale!

I was at the Fashion Square mall back in February with my friend.  Unfortunately I was broke at the time and just not feeling it.  That mall does have some awesome stores!  A Godiva, Louis Vuitton, Coach, Armani, BCBGMAXARIZA, Cartier, Jimmy Choo, Lush, Michael Kors, Neiman Marcus, Nordstroms, Prada, Swarovski, Tiffany & Co. and of course the standard stores that you find in most malls.  

When my boys have to go back to home to start back up school, I'll just fly them home.  (One will be a junior in high school and one will be a junior in college)  This is the plan, anyway.  The timing will have to be just right for everything to work.  Of course the sticky part will be trying to figure out a date to do all of this so that I can tell my future employer that I will need the time off.  A full week would be nice but I could get away with only taking 3-4 days off.  That's usually not a problem as long as you tell them beforehand.  This is, of course AFTER I'm offered the job!  ;)

36 days...let the countdown begin!
Tootles! 

Happy Birthday Bestie!

Letter to a best friend

Let me tell you about my friend Christine Marie Kuhn,

We met over the Summer of 1982.  Over music both figuratively and literally.  Both of us played in the junior high band (middle school now-a-days).  The rigorous practice of the obsessive compulsive and perfectionist Ms. Sandy Olesky!  Hated that bitch at the time but that bitch was amazing!  Hilliard City Schools f**ked up by letting her go…and she got screwed.  It was a witch hunt all because Ms. Olesky was a lesbian.  C’mon people…step into the 21st Century, will ya?  Your music program went to shit after you let her go!

I digress…end of commercial.  Anyway, yes I played the dorky clarinet until I could get my hands on my beloved percussion instruments.  (percussion was and still is a competitive area in band)  Our bond was initially over the wood instrument that we had to learn.  (Although, more modern forms of the instrument is plastic…go figure)  Then Chris and I chatted over our mutual musical loves…Quiet Riot, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Def Leppard…WAIT!  WHAT?  Def Leppard?  Are you barking mad????!!!  Def Lep is MUH SHIT!  We were so maniacal over the fab five that I think we were the only two who could stand each other!  (God knows our parents and other friends were sick of our obsessions of them) 

Complete lunacy, I tell you!  (Many of you can attest to this)  Any time Lep came on Mtv…you know, MUSIC TELEVISION…its still around…but way back in the day…ya know, they actually played MUSIC VIDEOS!  WOW…WHAT A FREAKIN’ CONCEPT…’EH?  I know, I know…its like a relic!  Anyway, any time Lep would come on, one of us would call the other and scream like a freakin’ banshee!  Many times we would call simultaneously.  She had call-waiting, I didn’t.  (My dad refused to get it, said it was rude)  So usually, my call would go through first!  At the time it was “…dude, Photograph (or Rock of Ages or Foolin’) was on.  Which was met with ear piercing screams.  WTF was wrong with us?  (I still think our parents should have had us tested for hormone overload) 

First DL show together…Europe/Def Lep 1987.  We had seen Lep separately but this was the first time together.  Awwwww snap, it was at Buckeye Lake Music…aka Legend Valley…not to far from where I live now…for now.  It was a dump fest!  Muddy and hot as hell!  People were passing out left and right from the heat!  Mud up to my knees…and probably Chris’ ankles.  (Chris was 6’ for those who don’t know)  We were digging, clawing, shoving and making our way to the front of the stage!  We made it!  So close that Chris could see up Joe Elliott’s shorts!  (Hey, I’m only 5’4 but it helps when your best friend is 6’…people tend to get outta your way)  My guy was always Rick Allen.  (Still love and admire the guy)  Hell, I even beat the shit outta Mike Boggs…lil fucker…in 10th grade for making fun of him when he was in the accident and lost his arm.  YES, HILLIARD PEOPLE…BET THE PRICK WON’T ADMIT IT BUT I F**KED HIS ASS UP!  Mrs. Calhoun’s 10th grade English Class…ask those who witnessed it!  ;)  Punk got his ass beat by a GIRL!  ^_^  Which brings me to another topic…lets face it, Chris was intimidating with her size.  Funny thing was, I was the one more apt to fight.  Maybe its my Italian blood.  Maybe I had a Napoleon complex?  I dunno.  I’m really no longer like that…UNLESS you jack with my friends, family or are cruel to animals!!!  I’m a very Zen…Hindu…tree-hugging…peace loving…neo-hippie type!  ;)  Otherwise, I’ll want to beat you to a bloody pulp. 

I’ll skip ahead…I got pregnant with my daughter in November 1988.  I was 19.  Obviously it was not planned.  My boyfriend at the time, her father, was not exactly the most supportive person.  I’m not here to trash him.  That is my daughter’s father.  He has his positive qualities and was/is a sickeningly talented guitarist…if only he could have channeled it in a positive way.  Let’s just say that things were not good when I found out that I was pregnant.  Things were suggested that I should do.  I did not want to.  I adored the life that was growing within me.  Chris was my rock at the time.  I think she was more excited about the baby than I was.  (Not that I wasn’t excited, I was just scared)  For a time I was alone and scared.  Chris was my total support…up to the point of offering to have me move in with her and WE would raise my daughter together if need be.  (We weren’t lesbians…not that there’s anything wrong with that…although we acted questionable just to get people to talk…that was our thing…to shock people.  Oh the boys we teased.)  We were each other’s “wing girl”…icky guy hitting on ya?  Come over and plant a kiss on the other…we’re Lesbos!  Sorry!  In reality we were straight…although we loved each other just like sisters! 

Chrissy saved me so many times during my pregnancy.  I have no doubt that if it were not for Chris, my daughter might not be here.  I had a couple of miscarriage threats due to stress.  Again, she was my rock!  The day I brought my beautiful daughter home, Chris MADE me go up, get her out of her crib so that she could hold her God-Baby!  She held my daughter for a good six hours!  Oh and not to mention that she bought everything under the sun that the child would even need at the time!  I shit you not, Chris bought a car seat, a playpen, a highchair, a walker, oodles and oodles of toys and clothes!  THEN three months later, Christmas came!  You can imagine the massive amounts of stuff that Christ bought her God baby for Christmas! 

Then came January.  L  My 5-month old baby girl and I were out in Hilliard shopping.  We went to Scott’s (TG&Y…remember that place?) looking for Valentines day decorations and a Valentine’s card from my daughter to her God-Mommy.  I picked everything out, got back home and my boyfriend’s mother called me.  (By then my boyfriend…and daughter’s father had gotten a townhouse in Hilliard and were working on trying to make it work for our daughter).  His mother called me.  “Ummm hi Dee, the State Highway Patrol is trying to get a hold of you.  They reached us.  There’s been an accident with your friend Chris.” 

I thought this quite odd but back in the day, there were no cell phones.  They would rummage through your purse/personal belongings if you were in an accident.  Obviously they will start at the beginning of the alphabet.  My ex-boyfriend’s name started with a B.  (Which, incidentally, Chris and her boyfriend Todd introduced us.  Sadly, Todd has passed as well…if you remember/knew him.  Some people were shocked that I brought him to the funeral.  I did so because the last couple moths of Chris‘ life, she and Todd were talking on a very friendly basis.  It was my hope that they were working on getting back together.  Regardless, they were at least good friends towards the end.)  I immediately called the SHP, they gave me a number to call at Doctor’s West Hosp.  I call it.  They said “Yes, your friend has been in an accident.  We cannot release any information, you’ll have to call her parents.  They just left.”  I was barely 20 years old.  I thought “Oh, Ralph and Marsha just left.  She must be fine.  I’ll call them.”  So I dial the number that I STILL know by heart.  Ralph answered and I said “Is Chris okay?  What’s going on?”  He immediately gave the phone to Marsha.  That’s when I heard the most horrible words that I think I’ve ever heard…”No Dee, Chrissy is not okay.  She’s had an accident.  She’s gone.  She died.”  I LITERALLY slid down the wall that I was leaning up against.  Balled myself up into a fetal position and cried hysterically for I don’t know how long.  The next thing I remember is my mom showing up at my front door…to take care of “the baby”…and myself.  Marsha asked me to call several of our mutual friends, which I did.  I don’t remember who I called or what I said.  I just remember that I called several. 

It sounds morbid but I drove out to the accident site later that night.  (For those who do not know…if you know the Darby Estates area…Chris went out Hubbard Rd. to where it dead ends into Broad Street.  She and a mutual friend from California were heading to the West side…ya know, when it was still viable?  LOL  The SHP said that she ran the stop sign…she didn’t.  She drove that intersection daily.  Her parents and I think that she did a “rolling stop” and tried to turn left.  It was a pain-in-the-ass intersection. There were no drugs or alcohol involved.  Chrissy and I may have had our “party” moments…but we did NOT drink (or anything else) and drive. 

Unfortunately a lady living in West Jeff heading into WJ (West) hit her.  Wasn’t the lady’s fault.  (I have since been told that she had felt horribly guilty about the accident.  I talked to her and assured her that none of us blamed her)  Just a mistake and a misjudgment on Chris’s part.  Pure accident.  Death by Hemothorax.  I later learned in nursing school…Chris basically took too much trauma in the chest area.  I was told that she did not suffer.  Fittingly enough, it was around 2am and I parked my car on the West side of Hubbard Rd.  I got out and gazed at the intersection.  Some debris was left.  I found a mangled Def Leppard pin that I know Chris had on her jean-jacket.  It was bent and somewhat tarnished…I waited for the traffic to pass, went out and picked it up.  I still have it. 

Our mutual friend was paralyzed but last I talked to her, she is thriving in the beautiful music scene of Los Angeles.  Part of me died that day.  The innocent, naïve, goofy part of me.  I grew up…and I grew up quick.  My best friend was gone.  My confidant was gone.  The friend that held me together when I wanted to lose it was gone.  My innocence was gone.  But that’s okay, I needed to grow up.  I just wish it hadn’t happened that way.  I had my baby girl to live for now.

As I stood at Tidd’s Funeral Home, I walked by her casket.  The yellow roses, the little teddy bear and the roses that said “God-Mother.”  I held my 5-month old baby girl.  And I told her, “This is YOUR God-Mommy…she is YOUR guardian angel and she will always watch after you.  Your Aunt Chrissy will always watch over you!” 

And she has.  <3

I love you bitch!  And I miss you!




And my beautiful daughter…Chris’ God-baby…that lil 5-month old baby girl…

Riquendra Krystyne…

Doesn’t she just have that “bad-ass blond Chris look about her?”  Yup, I think Chris would be proud.   I love you Kiwi!  

Please share your stories, memories of Chris...for my daughter...so that she knows what an awesome person her God-Mommy was!  :)

 

Goin' West!

*deep breath*  Well, I'm gonna do it!  Going to up and move 1,800 miles away from Central Ohio-a place I have called home for 43 years.  (My whole life, if anyone is counting)  The tentative moving date is Saturday May 4th.  There is a certain someone who; I think, would like me to be moving at an earlier date.  But, it just ain't happening.  I will not rush myself on this.  It already seems to be happening so quickly as it is.  I mean there's no way in Hell that a year ago I would've believed that I would be moving out of state-let alone ¾ of the way across the country. 

I would be lying if I said that I wouldn't miss Columbus.  Although, I can securely say that I will not miss Heath, Newark...Licking County in general.  I've lived out here too long.  I didn't want to move out here to begin with.  I didn't like it when I got here, I didn't like it for the 9+ years that I've been here and I don't like it now.  I have had some good experiences here and met some great people but for the most part, it has not been ppositive or enjoyable.  I have always felt like a fish-out-of-water out here.  When you think about it, its somewhat odd considering that Licking County is just the next county over from Franklin County (The Columbus Metro Area).  It sure is a world of a difference, though.  I will probably always miss Hilliard/Columbus.  I will not miss the shitty Ohio weather! 

So where am I going?  Phoenix, AZ!  Nervous and excited...but more excited!  It will be like a new beginning for me.  And what a perfect place to begin!  Phoenix, the Greek mythical bird who is regenerated, rises and is reborn from its ashes. 

To be continued...

Arctic Blast, No Thank You!

Its -9F degrees here with the wind chill factor.  There were accidents earlier all over the state from black ice and white-out conditions.  We're talking multi-car, too!  29 vehicle pile-up in Columbus.  22 vehicles North of Columbus and 33 vehicles in Cincy! 

Have I mentioned how much I detest the weather here?

Meanwhile, in beautiful Phoenix, it was a sunny 80F degrees today.  It will be in the low 80s all week and 76F degrees Friday when I fly in. 

Here is a view from a mesa out there.  Its a view of the Phoenix area.  I've heard that the sunsets are spectacular.  Looks pretty nice to me!

I really wanted to go tanning for a couple of weeks so that I could at least get a base tan.  Of course I never was able to.  (Lack of funds)  I'm so pale that I'm practically glowing in the dark!  I've never understood that; I'm Italian and get very dark in the Summer.  Over the Winter I'm obviously not out in the sun.  I end up being as pale as a ghost.  Maybe I can get a slight tan while I'm out there.

Centenary Post!

Out with 2012-don't let the door hit ya in the ass!  'Twas not a very good year for me at all.  I no longer "do" resolutions but I am going to make it my priority to see that 2013 is a better year.  

Apparently this is the year of the Snake, hence the cracked-out looking snake to the Left here.  I'm a Rooster but I can't remember what all that entails.  I'm not a big follower of the Chinese Zodiac.  However, I did read a partial 2013 prediction for myself (Leo) the other day.  It was very interesting and seemed to be most poignant given my situation and what I've been considering lately.  

Get ready to dig deeply in 2013, Leo. You're going into a phase of complete and total metamorphosis. This will require considerable self-analysis and probing into your past patterns, but all the work will be more than worth it. You're on the verge of discovering just how powerful, strong and resilient you are at your very core. If you have ever doubted your strength, after 2013 you'll never question your resourcefulness again. Saturn, the great karmic lord of trials and tribulations, will be camping out at the base of your horoscope until 2015, so you'll have plenty of time to delve into the depths. Family issues and psychological patterns inherited from your parents will come to the surface this year, making your more aware of -- and able to avoid -- negative patterns. Wake up, Leo! Get ready for a major rebirth.

I won't go into details right now but let me just say that I'm taking a trip to Phoenix January 25th-February 10th to check things out.  It will be a first time out there for me!  I haven't vacationed in years, let alone gone West.  I have to almost all of the Eastern, New England & Southern states.  Forget being West of the Mississippi... I never never been West of Indianapolis!  Not to mention, I haven't been on a flight since 9/11/01.  Not that I'm afraid to fly, its just I'm not acclimated to all of the changes.  My biggest issue will be going without a cigarette for so many hours.  The flight is 4.5 hours and from my understanding, once you go through security you can't go back outside.  (That means throw on at least another hour or two...ugh)  I will have to supply myself with plenty of gum, patches or anything else I can find. 

So excited and can't wait!  I'm going to try to slip in a short trip to Vegas to see my friend.  Vegas is only about a 5 hour trip from Phoenix and I've found a couple of bus services that do it for $40...which is not bad at all.  I would love to see the Grand Canyon too but not sure if I'll make it this trip.  If not, I'm sure I'll have time in the future...especially if I move out there!

Ya gotta admit; what a beautiful city, desert & sunset!  I've heard so much about the epic sunsets out there! 

Stay tuned!

An Open Letter to an Ex

Dear Mr. X,

I am finished with being sad and trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could have "fixed" things.  You see, I tried to "fix" things years ago.  I tried.  You didn't.  I'm done.  I came to this conclusion a long time ago and made it official three months ago.  So why am I still upset & sad?  I don't know.  I wish I did.  It would help me to move on.

I do know that its not me who is defective-as I had originally thought.  Sure, I make mistakes and I'm far from perfect.  However, I admit when I'm wrong...and I try to improve myself.  Not only did you deceive, lie to and betray me; but you also did the same thing to your mother.  You said you were sorry but continued your behavior-so clearly you are not.  I am here and will get over it.  Your mom is not.  She is gone and you cannot apologize to her in person.  You have to live with that.  I'm not trying to make you feel bad.  I'm trying to show you-as I have tried for years-that YOUR actions and words are like a razor.  You may not believe me but trust me, other people have felt your wrath.  You used to say that you've always had an affinity for women...probably because you were raised by a single mother, you say.  Well Mr. X, you have a shitty way of showing it.  The ones you have hurt the deepest are the women in your life that you claim to love the most.  Your daughters, your mother and myself for 10 years.  You have to live with this. 

Your MO seems to be that when you have a mess of things and no longer want to deal with things, you throw it away and start fresh.  Your choice of a new subject is quite peculiar.  I almost want to stick around to see the reaction from your family. Its probably a good thing that your mom is not here to see this.  Although, I think she suspected something judging by her comments to me before she passed. Do you not realize that you and your new minion have become what YOU used to crack jokes about?  Hmm, how ironic is that...considering my family are the ones from WV?  Sure, they may be stupid hillbillies, but they were smart enough to mate up with folks who are not blood-relatives.

There's much more than could be said on my part.  I'm not going to sit here and point fingers, though.  Know why?  Because when I do that, there's three fingers pointing back at me.  Like I said, I contributed to things falling apart and I acknowledge this.  I learn from my mistakes.

That's the difference between you and I.

I wish you well and hope one day that you will find whatever it is you are looking for.