Happy Birthday Bestie♥

Today would have been my friend Chris' 43rd birthday.

Christine Marie Kuhn, my best friend and my daughter's name sake.  Chris was also my daughter's God-Mother.  Unfortunately my daughter never really got to know Chris.  She died in a car accident when my daughter was five-months-old.  She knows quiet a bit about Chris, though.  I made a promise to Chris' parents that I would keep Chris' spirit alive and make sure that my daughter knew about her and what a great person that she was.  Unfortunately no thanks to SOME people, I do not have any pictures of Chris anymore.  (I won't get into that.  Its a long story and it just pisses me off to no end.)  Like with so many other things, I have lost quite a bit of my past thanks to this person.  Things like that cannot be replaced.

Chris died 22 years ago in a car accident.  My sons never got to meet her.  I would say that she never got to see them but I honestly believe that she has seen them.  I think she hangs around me from time to time and can see what's going on.  I just wish I could talk to her.  Communicate.  Maybe we could-I just haven't figured it out yet.

I am sure everyone thinks his/her best-friend is/was the greatest.  Chris really was the greatest...to me anyway.  We became friends over the Summer of 1983.  Both of us were "metal-heads" and both were MASSIVE Def Leppard fanatics.  (I know, Def Leppard and the term "metal-heads" generally don't go together...at the time they did)  We weren't just fans, we were FANATICS in every sense of the word.  That is how we became fast friends.  We were the only two who could tolerate how obsessed with DL that the other was.  

We were there for each other during those rough teenage years.  Had it not been for her, I don't know where I would have ended up when my parents split up and were divorcing.  I was NOT a happy person during that time.  I had all but slid off the rails of the "Crazy Train"-Chris is pretty much the one who kept me on the tracks.  

The same could be said when I was pregnant with my daughter.  My daughter's father and I were not getting along.  Of course it was a shock when I found out that I was pregnant but after it sunk in, I was happy about it.  Actually I became quite thrilled about it.  One could almost say I was deliriously happy.  

I won't go into detail but my ex-boyfriend was not happy...at all.  In fact he proceeded to show his ass about the situation and purposely try to be the world's biggest DICKHEAD about it.  Looking back now, its a wonder I didn't miscarry from all of the stress.  Again, Chris is the one who helped keep me sane.  Chris was a no non-sense type person and it was basically "Listen, you're going to have a kid now.  Get your shit together and tell that asshole to fuck off!  You don't need him...you have your baby girl."  Now I wish I would have listened to her.  She had a 2-bedroom apartment that she had shared with a roommate.  The roomie bailed on her and she told me to move in with her and she'd help me take care of the baby.  I should have listened.  Probably would have saved me a few years of stress and heartache.  Live and learn I guess.  

My daughter's father and I ended up getting a place together, had the baby and played "house" for a couple of years until I had had enough of his BS.  We were never married...thank God!  Here's an example of how charming he is.  The night that I found out Chris had died in a car accident, he was out hanging at one of his friends' house.  That's fine.  That's not what I had the problem with.  One of the problems was that this was his normal routine if he wasn't at work.  He wouldn't come home until 3, 4, 5am or even later...if at all.  Real nice for the father of a newborn, 'eh?  

Now mind you, these are the days before cell phones.  After I found out that Chris had died, I managed to track "R" down at his friend's house.  This was around midnight-ish.  

"R"-Yeah, what did you want?

Me-Chris was in a car accident earlier today.  She's gone.  She died earlier this evening.  (crying of course)

"R"-Okay?  And?

Me-Well do you think you could come home?  I'm not exactly in the greatest shape to try taking care of our daughter.

"R"-We're not done practicing.  Plus, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?  She's dead right?  I can't do anything about it.

Me-FUCK YOU AND I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL!

(I not only hung up the phone, I jerked it out of the wall and threw it)  

He ended up coming home within an hour but he might as well have stayed out.  As with most of the time in our relationship, he was no help to me.

Obviously I still miss Chris terribly.  I would say I wonder if we would still be friends...but then I know the answer to that...definitely yes. I wonder how things would be.  Would she have kids?  Would I have went through some of the messes that I've put myself through had she been around to stop me?  Would I be taking her out tonight for her birthday dinner?  I have no doubt that I would.  

I miss you Amazon woman...and happy birthday bestie!  See you again one day...