Its no secret that The Boyfriend and I have not been getting along. Its to the point now where its not even that we fight. That's the red-flag. We DON'T fight. I don't feel the need to anymore, I've pretty much given up. He's not going to change and I do not want to live the rest of my life like I have been for the last few years. The problem is that I feel guilty and I don't know how to get past that.
We have been together almost 9 years. We've been through a lot together and he has saved my ass countless times. He has been there for me when nobody else has and I'll always love him for that. We are just not compatible anymore. We don't share the same interests and don't want the same things in life. His mother lives with us and that definitely has put a strain on the relationship. It was fractured before and with her living here the last 3 years, its really gone South. We have no privacy. We don't go out ANYWHERE as a couple and I think that is the major problem. The living situation would be almost bearable IF we made time for us. I've mentioned this hundreds of times. Nothing changes. I've resigned to the fact that it never will.
The boyfriend made a comment the other day. He said that I have changed since becoming sober. I'm sure I have. He commented that it seems as if I don't care about the relationship since I've gotten sober. I don't think that's it. I think becoming sober made me wake up to things that I do and don't want in life. I'm no longer willing to be unhappy and just drink to "deal" with it.
The problem is my financial situation. I'm working but its only part-time and minimum wage. Obviously can't make it on that. I am college educated but in this economy its still very hard to get a decent job. Hell, it took me quite a while to just get the minimum wage job that I have now.
What I want is quite simple. I want my OWN apt. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. I just want it in the town where my kids are. (about 15 miles from where I am now) My oldest two (almost 23 and 19) are pretty much on their own. "Bam-Bam" (my 19 y/o) is off to college and only comes home for the Summer. "Quack" is my youngest and just finished his Freshman year of high school. I would like to be able to get an apt big enough for he and I. I'm not real fond of the town they live in. (Quack lives with my dad and step-mom) But, I've swore that I would not pull him out of that school district. Plus, all of his friends are there. I'm a city person and I want to move back to where I'm from. I've promised to tough it out, though until he graduates.
I'm going back to school, also. This is where it gets sticky and difficult. How to work, afford an apt big enough for myself and son AND attend college. It can be done it will just take quite a bit of searching on my part. (Find affordable housing for us, etc)
Just not sure what to do about The boyfriend or how to go about it. I know for the time being, I need to get back into some therapy. I'm getting increasingly depressed about my current situation and there's nothing that I can do about it right now. I need to get back into counseling to figure out how to deal with it...without drinking, of course.
The problem is my financial situation. I'm working but its only part-time and minimum wage. Obviously can't make it on that. I am college educated but in this economy its still very hard to get a decent job. Hell, it took me quite a while to just get the minimum wage job that I have now.
What I want is quite simple. I want my OWN apt. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. I just want it in the town where my kids are. (about 15 miles from where I am now) My oldest two (almost 23 and 19) are pretty much on their own. "Bam-Bam" (my 19 y/o) is off to college and only comes home for the Summer. "Quack" is my youngest and just finished his Freshman year of high school. I would like to be able to get an apt big enough for he and I. I'm not real fond of the town they live in. (Quack lives with my dad and step-mom) But, I've swore that I would not pull him out of that school district. Plus, all of his friends are there. I'm a city person and I want to move back to where I'm from. I've promised to tough it out, though until he graduates.
I'm going back to school, also. This is where it gets sticky and difficult. How to work, afford an apt big enough for myself and son AND attend college. It can be done it will just take quite a bit of searching on my part. (Find affordable housing for us, etc)
Just not sure what to do about The boyfriend or how to go about it. I know for the time being, I need to get back into some therapy. I'm getting increasingly depressed about my current situation and there's nothing that I can do about it right now. I need to get back into counseling to figure out how to deal with it...without drinking, of course.
3 comments:
funny, we always called my grandaughter Neecy.... her middle was Denise.
I went back to school (ged and college) at 42. It was quite a culture shock but I made it through!!!!! You can do it! You will be glad you did, and will give you positive things to focus on.
It is funny about the relationship thing-My husband is more difficult to deal with when he is sober. He has never actively wanted to be though- He is OCD and it really comes out then. When he has been drinking he is way more laid back and spontaneous- I am very spontaneous and probably attention deficit-so I know I drive him crazy. He is neat and orderly-I am messy and have four dogs (little) who want to sleep with me all the time. When we met he was drinking-so I am not sure we would have gotten together if he had been actively OCD..... But.... if a person becomes sober their values do change and things are different.... There are so many dimensions, it is hard.... Good blog!
I was on OARS but since my Facebook page has been locked, I am no longer able to participate. Apparently, someone tried to log in as me from another computer.Tell everyone that Annette said Hi and I miss the conversations.
Anyway, my husband tried sobriety and turned into a person different than who I married. Not a bad person just someone I was not interested in. He thought that when he quit drinking, he would not have to do anything else to work on the relationship. We did nothing together anymore. It really scared me and I think him too that we were now married to perfect strangers. Maybe that's why he started drinking again and ultimately died from it. So sad, what a waste of a life. He was a good person.
Ouch - tough stuff...
I've seen a few relationships not make it through the sobriety - best example was a friend who arrived about the same time as me at the gates of AA. He was there to get everyone off his back and to get his Mrs to let him move back in to the family home. That happened. But he kept slipping for about a year until he finally got it. But then he changed into the responsible adult he could be, his wife now no longer the dominant in the relationship didn't like this and ... well it snapped about a year later. She kicked him back out he has a little flat on his own, works hard, smiles all the time and is a great bloke... she is in debt up to her eyeballs has had a kid as the result of a one night stand and her elder daughter moved out and won't speak to her...
An example that sometimes the sickness isn't only with the one who was drinking that is all I'm saying.
However I was lucky, my relationship whilst never perfect is way way better than it ever was before, to be honest we almost totally started again figuring out if we wanted to be together and what mattered. We found common ground and worked at it so far it has continued to be ok. I'm fortunate I feel, she had every right to say "Get lost" and I'd have gone - I nearly went as I thought I had to completely start again and that included breaking from the family as the only reasonable amends to them.
Good luck whatever the outcome but I sense at the moment you are marking time until the inevitable happens. I hope you can work through it sober whatever a drink will only make whatever situation worse.
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