Technical Difficulties

Laptop is down.  Not sure what's wrong and not sure when I can get it looked at.  Depends on if I get the job Tuesday.

The Crud

Me and my big mouth.  I had just been bragging the other day about how I never get sick.  Pffft, guess who is now sick?  Moi!  Hopefully its just a cold and doesn't end up settling down into my chest.

Why is it that we always want our moms and soup when sick.  I want my mom's homemade veggie soup.  Unfortunately she's been gone for 16 years now-so I'm not getting that soup any time soon.  Oh sure, I could get some soup from somewhere.  Its never the same as your mom's, though.

I envision myself crawling into my comfy bed early tonight.  Surround myself with my plethora of pillows, snuggle under my comforter and find something good on TV.

Self-Sufficiency

I suppose you could say that I'm in a better frame of mind tonight.  Not a lot, but slightly.  The solution is easy.  I MUST get out of my living situation.  Sounds simple enough, right?  The hard part is getting there.  There's no one person to blame-its just a bad situation.  And, the fact of the matter is that I KNEW this shit would happen...eventually.  Not sure why I didn't prepare myself better.  Well, I know why.  Because with the majority of things in my life, I postpone, procrastinate or flat out avoid things are a) uncomfortable, b) painful (physically, mentally & emotionally) c) difficult, d) that I can't do perfectly or e) all of the aforementioned.  Of course I know what's wrong with me, my "character defects" and whatnot.  (Those psychology classes in college weren't for nothin')  My problem is that I don't know how to "fix" myself.  I don't know where to start.  My perfectionism tends to throw up a giant brick wall.  Its as if my "Super-Ego" screams "Well if I can't do it perfectly, fuck it!  I won't do anything!"  Meanwhile, my "Ego" and "ID" suffer the consequences...along with everyone else.  Obviously THIS is a prime example of where I need a therapist.  IF I could ever get in to see one!  I'm to blame this time on the therapist issue.  I still haven't called back to reschedule with at least somebody.  'Scuse my French but I've had a serious case of the "fuck its" all week.  

Back to the topic at hand...moving.  (See, there goes my ADD rearing its ugly head.  Sidetracked and distracted are my middle names)  I knew three years ago when this living situation began, it was not going to work.  In all fairness, the relationship with the former boyfriend was already on very shaky ground and I wanted out.  Actually to be honest, I've not been happy in the relationship for a good five years or so.  I think I was just hoping that things would change.  Obviously they didn't.  And like I said, once we got into this living situation three years ago, I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work.  Getting out has been very difficult.  I don't believe in regrets and "do-overs."  Although if I did, I would go back and make sure that I would NEVER get to a point in my life to where I was financially dependent on another person.  THAT has been the reason I have stayed in situations much longer than I should have or wanted to.  Eh, ya live and ya learn.  That will be one mistake that I won't be making again in the future. 

On a side note, the Italian Festival is this weekend and guess who is not going yet AGAIN?!  Moi!  Eight years in a row and counting.  There are many things that I haven't done in the last nine years since being with the (former) boyfriend.  Hence, one of the reasons that we are no longer a couple.  He doesn't share my interests and refuses to compromise with them.  But, enough of that mess.  I won't slam him.  He's not a bad guy.  We are just too different. 

Hell's Bells, I just realized...two posts in a row.  Maybe I'm starting to climb outta my funk after-all.

Anhedonia

Wow, its been quite a while since my last post.  Just not "feelin' it"...still not "feelin' it" and am basically forcing myself to post.  This has been one of my worst and longest episodes in quite a LONG time.  I know it will pass and I will get through it.  I just wish it would hurry up.  One of my biggest problems is that I still haven't found a job.  Although, I have a few leads on a couple of positions.  Now I just need to motivate myself to follow through.  Motivation...pffft.  One of my biggest problems.  No motivation for anything at all. 

I checked into going back to a therapist.  That has been a great deal of frustration so far.  I had my initial appointment several weeks ago.  A three hour evaluation, which is a pain in the ass.  I was shocked at first because the appointment was on a Thursday and the counselor set me up with a therapist the following Tuesday.  Relatively quick around here.  Unfortunately the therapist's assistant called me on the preceding Monday to let me know that the therapist would be out all week and that I would need to reschedule.  Ugh, okay.  Frustrating but shit happens.  She scheduled me for the following week on a Friday-which was actually today.  (Oct 5th)  I got another call from the assistant on Monday.  Turns out this damn therapist will be out all week again.  Nice.  I didn't bother to reschedule.  I didn't even bother to return the call.  I am going to have to later today, though.  Sure, I'm pissed off about it but I'm not going to get anywhere at this rate.  I'll just have to call and demand that they get me in with a therapist that will actually BE there for the appointment!  

I'm sure that if I were to see a psychiatrist that he/she would want to put me on more medication.  (antidepressants)  I'm already on one at a very high dose.  I seriously doubt its effectiveness anymore.  I've been on it for around 7 years.  I would like to be off of it but the discontinuation syndrome is pure HELL!  It is one of the worst, if not THE worst antidepressants to get off of.  

I gotta do something, though.  This is not living.  I am just existing...and I am miserable.