Centenary Post!

Out with 2012-don't let the door hit ya in the ass!  'Twas not a very good year for me at all.  I no longer "do" resolutions but I am going to make it my priority to see that 2013 is a better year.  

Apparently this is the year of the Snake, hence the cracked-out looking snake to the Left here.  I'm a Rooster but I can't remember what all that entails.  I'm not a big follower of the Chinese Zodiac.  However, I did read a partial 2013 prediction for myself (Leo) the other day.  It was very interesting and seemed to be most poignant given my situation and what I've been considering lately.  

Get ready to dig deeply in 2013, Leo. You're going into a phase of complete and total metamorphosis. This will require considerable self-analysis and probing into your past patterns, but all the work will be more than worth it. You're on the verge of discovering just how powerful, strong and resilient you are at your very core. If you have ever doubted your strength, after 2013 you'll never question your resourcefulness again. Saturn, the great karmic lord of trials and tribulations, will be camping out at the base of your horoscope until 2015, so you'll have plenty of time to delve into the depths. Family issues and psychological patterns inherited from your parents will come to the surface this year, making your more aware of -- and able to avoid -- negative patterns. Wake up, Leo! Get ready for a major rebirth.

I won't go into details right now but let me just say that I'm taking a trip to Phoenix January 25th-February 10th to check things out.  It will be a first time out there for me!  I haven't vacationed in years, let alone gone West.  I have to almost all of the Eastern, New England & Southern states.  Forget being West of the Mississippi... I never never been West of Indianapolis!  Not to mention, I haven't been on a flight since 9/11/01.  Not that I'm afraid to fly, its just I'm not acclimated to all of the changes.  My biggest issue will be going without a cigarette for so many hours.  The flight is 4.5 hours and from my understanding, once you go through security you can't go back outside.  (That means throw on at least another hour or two...ugh)  I will have to supply myself with plenty of gum, patches or anything else I can find. 

So excited and can't wait!  I'm going to try to slip in a short trip to Vegas to see my friend.  Vegas is only about a 5 hour trip from Phoenix and I've found a couple of bus services that do it for $40...which is not bad at all.  I would love to see the Grand Canyon too but not sure if I'll make it this trip.  If not, I'm sure I'll have time in the future...especially if I move out there!

Ya gotta admit; what a beautiful city, desert & sunset!  I've heard so much about the epic sunsets out there! 

Stay tuned!

An Open Letter to an Ex

Dear Mr. X,

I am finished with being sad and trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could have "fixed" things.  You see, I tried to "fix" things years ago.  I tried.  You didn't.  I'm done.  I came to this conclusion a long time ago and made it official three months ago.  So why am I still upset & sad?  I don't know.  I wish I did.  It would help me to move on.

I do know that its not me who is defective-as I had originally thought.  Sure, I make mistakes and I'm far from perfect.  However, I admit when I'm wrong...and I try to improve myself.  Not only did you deceive, lie to and betray me; but you also did the same thing to your mother.  You said you were sorry but continued your behavior-so clearly you are not.  I am here and will get over it.  Your mom is not.  She is gone and you cannot apologize to her in person.  You have to live with that.  I'm not trying to make you feel bad.  I'm trying to show you-as I have tried for years-that YOUR actions and words are like a razor.  You may not believe me but trust me, other people have felt your wrath.  You used to say that you've always had an affinity for women...probably because you were raised by a single mother, you say.  Well Mr. X, you have a shitty way of showing it.  The ones you have hurt the deepest are the women in your life that you claim to love the most.  Your daughters, your mother and myself for 10 years.  You have to live with this. 

Your MO seems to be that when you have a mess of things and no longer want to deal with things, you throw it away and start fresh.  Your choice of a new subject is quite peculiar.  I almost want to stick around to see the reaction from your family. Its probably a good thing that your mom is not here to see this.  Although, I think she suspected something judging by her comments to me before she passed. Do you not realize that you and your new minion have become what YOU used to crack jokes about?  Hmm, how ironic is that...considering my family are the ones from WV?  Sure, they may be stupid hillbillies, but they were smart enough to mate up with folks who are not blood-relatives.

There's much more than could be said on my part.  I'm not going to sit here and point fingers, though.  Know why?  Because when I do that, there's three fingers pointing back at me.  Like I said, I contributed to things falling apart and I acknowledge this.  I learn from my mistakes.

That's the difference between you and I.

I wish you well and hope one day that you will find whatever it is you are looking for.

Back Online!!

Woo Hoo!  I am back online!  Well, I was able to be online-it was just on a very limited basis.  (Basically my phone with a 3"x2" screen)  With my crappy eyesight, that was next to impossible to read anything.  (Procrastination at its finest...one of these days I WILL get in for an eye exam and proper glasses) 

The good news is that it was only the cord that was causing my laptop not to work.  Whew!  I was afraid that it might have been the motherboard.  That would have been quite costly.  Its amazing how attached and dependent we become upon our electronic devices & toys.  At least for me, anyway.  I'm not big on watching TV so I spend a lot of time on my laptop/Internet.  

While my laptop was down, I had caught up on some reading.  Read a few good biographies.  (I'm partial to them for some reason)  I was pleasantly surprised with Ozzy Osbourne's biography.  Me being such a big Ozzy fan since the early 1980s, I thought I knew all that there was to know about him.  Like I said though, I was surprised to find quite a few nuggets of info that I wasn't aware of before.  I also read Rick Springfield's autobiography.  It was mediocre.  I just had a hard time getting into it.  Maybe its because I've never been a huge Springfield fan.  I mean he's "okay."  Had a couple of catchy tunes from the 80s.  I never watched him when he had his reoccurring role on General Hospital.  Now I WILL have to admit, he is an extremely good looking man for his age.  He is 63 years old...amazingly four months OLDER than my dad!  You could definitely say that he's aged well.

Still looking for a damn job.  If I just had a car I would've had a job by now.  There's just nothing around here!  All of the good jobs are in Columbus.  (go figure)  I do have a couple of leads on jobs and plan to follow up with those this week.  Its a short week since Thanksgiving is Thursday but hopefully I'll be able to make some headway.  All I want for Christmas is a good job!  Sheesh!

Until next time...
Tootles Noodles! ♥

Technical Difficulties

Laptop is down.  Not sure what's wrong and not sure when I can get it looked at.  Depends on if I get the job Tuesday.

The Crud

Me and my big mouth.  I had just been bragging the other day about how I never get sick.  Pffft, guess who is now sick?  Moi!  Hopefully its just a cold and doesn't end up settling down into my chest.

Why is it that we always want our moms and soup when sick.  I want my mom's homemade veggie soup.  Unfortunately she's been gone for 16 years now-so I'm not getting that soup any time soon.  Oh sure, I could get some soup from somewhere.  Its never the same as your mom's, though.

I envision myself crawling into my comfy bed early tonight.  Surround myself with my plethora of pillows, snuggle under my comforter and find something good on TV.

Self-Sufficiency

I suppose you could say that I'm in a better frame of mind tonight.  Not a lot, but slightly.  The solution is easy.  I MUST get out of my living situation.  Sounds simple enough, right?  The hard part is getting there.  There's no one person to blame-its just a bad situation.  And, the fact of the matter is that I KNEW this shit would happen...eventually.  Not sure why I didn't prepare myself better.  Well, I know why.  Because with the majority of things in my life, I postpone, procrastinate or flat out avoid things are a) uncomfortable, b) painful (physically, mentally & emotionally) c) difficult, d) that I can't do perfectly or e) all of the aforementioned.  Of course I know what's wrong with me, my "character defects" and whatnot.  (Those psychology classes in college weren't for nothin')  My problem is that I don't know how to "fix" myself.  I don't know where to start.  My perfectionism tends to throw up a giant brick wall.  Its as if my "Super-Ego" screams "Well if I can't do it perfectly, fuck it!  I won't do anything!"  Meanwhile, my "Ego" and "ID" suffer the consequences...along with everyone else.  Obviously THIS is a prime example of where I need a therapist.  IF I could ever get in to see one!  I'm to blame this time on the therapist issue.  I still haven't called back to reschedule with at least somebody.  'Scuse my French but I've had a serious case of the "fuck its" all week.  

Back to the topic at hand...moving.  (See, there goes my ADD rearing its ugly head.  Sidetracked and distracted are my middle names)  I knew three years ago when this living situation began, it was not going to work.  In all fairness, the relationship with the former boyfriend was already on very shaky ground and I wanted out.  Actually to be honest, I've not been happy in the relationship for a good five years or so.  I think I was just hoping that things would change.  Obviously they didn't.  And like I said, once we got into this living situation three years ago, I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work.  Getting out has been very difficult.  I don't believe in regrets and "do-overs."  Although if I did, I would go back and make sure that I would NEVER get to a point in my life to where I was financially dependent on another person.  THAT has been the reason I have stayed in situations much longer than I should have or wanted to.  Eh, ya live and ya learn.  That will be one mistake that I won't be making again in the future. 

On a side note, the Italian Festival is this weekend and guess who is not going yet AGAIN?!  Moi!  Eight years in a row and counting.  There are many things that I haven't done in the last nine years since being with the (former) boyfriend.  Hence, one of the reasons that we are no longer a couple.  He doesn't share my interests and refuses to compromise with them.  But, enough of that mess.  I won't slam him.  He's not a bad guy.  We are just too different. 

Hell's Bells, I just realized...two posts in a row.  Maybe I'm starting to climb outta my funk after-all.

Anhedonia

Wow, its been quite a while since my last post.  Just not "feelin' it"...still not "feelin' it" and am basically forcing myself to post.  This has been one of my worst and longest episodes in quite a LONG time.  I know it will pass and I will get through it.  I just wish it would hurry up.  One of my biggest problems is that I still haven't found a job.  Although, I have a few leads on a couple of positions.  Now I just need to motivate myself to follow through.  Motivation...pffft.  One of my biggest problems.  No motivation for anything at all. 

I checked into going back to a therapist.  That has been a great deal of frustration so far.  I had my initial appointment several weeks ago.  A three hour evaluation, which is a pain in the ass.  I was shocked at first because the appointment was on a Thursday and the counselor set me up with a therapist the following Tuesday.  Relatively quick around here.  Unfortunately the therapist's assistant called me on the preceding Monday to let me know that the therapist would be out all week and that I would need to reschedule.  Ugh, okay.  Frustrating but shit happens.  She scheduled me for the following week on a Friday-which was actually today.  (Oct 5th)  I got another call from the assistant on Monday.  Turns out this damn therapist will be out all week again.  Nice.  I didn't bother to reschedule.  I didn't even bother to return the call.  I am going to have to later today, though.  Sure, I'm pissed off about it but I'm not going to get anywhere at this rate.  I'll just have to call and demand that they get me in with a therapist that will actually BE there for the appointment!  

I'm sure that if I were to see a psychiatrist that he/she would want to put me on more medication.  (antidepressants)  I'm already on one at a very high dose.  I seriously doubt its effectiveness anymore.  I've been on it for around 7 years.  I would like to be off of it but the discontinuation syndrome is pure HELL!  It is one of the worst, if not THE worst antidepressants to get off of.  

I gotta do something, though.  This is not living.  I am just existing...and I am miserable.