I have been asked many times what got me sober. I have thought about it many times and have yet to come up with an answer. I just don't know what did it this last time. Lord knows I had plenty of "bottoms." Most of my "bottoms" were more severe than my bottom on October 13, 2007.
November 2003 was when I got my first and only DUI. Even though I was in and out of blackouts for the majority of the day, I still remember it rather well-considering. For some reason I had just snapped that night. It was just my kids and me. I had just caught my (then) husband molesting my daughter and kicked him out of the house. I had been a stay-at-home mom and had no idea how I was going to support myself and the kids. My (then) husband gave me about $200 per week in child support but I knew that would be ending soon after he went to prison.
I think that night the reality of my situation finally sank in and I started to loose it. First I remember being incredibly sad and having crying spells all day. I don't think my kids paid much attention to me crying. Around that time it was quite common for me to be crying at some time or another. Plus I think they didn't really want to ask what was wrong for fear of me irritating the shit outta them. In my vodka stupor I would get all weepy, profess my eternal love to the kids while hugging and crying to them. I'm sure they wanted to barf. I would have.
I think that night the reality of my situation finally sank in and I started to loose it. First I remember being incredibly sad and having crying spells all day. I don't think my kids paid much attention to me crying. Around that time it was quite common for me to be crying at some time or another. Plus I think they didn't really want to ask what was wrong for fear of me irritating the shit outta them. In my vodka stupor I would get all weepy, profess my eternal love to the kids while hugging and crying to them. I'm sure they wanted to barf. I would have.
At some point my sadness turned to anger...and then rage. Then I decided that I was going to go find my (then) husband and RUN HIS ASS OVER with my mini-van for molesting my daughter and ruining our family. Luckily I didn't find him because I seriously think I would have tried to kill him that night. In a way, my DUI might have been a blessing in disguise.
I drove around town looking for him. All I remember is sitting on the side of the road and not being able to get my minivan going again. Turns out that the traffic in front of me stopped, I slammed on my breaks and veered right. I ran off the road, hit a fire hydrant and did something mechanically to my minivan. I am eternally grateful that I did not hit the person in front of me and that the fire hydrant was the only casualty. (Luckily it was not a person along side of the road)
My father and step-mother showed up and tried to figure out the best thing to do. My dad ended up reporting the accident and me as being drunk. A lot of people wonder why I was not pissed at him for this. I wasn't then and I'm not now. He was trying to wake me up and probably figured a night in jail might do the trick. I know it was killing him to do that. It was only the second time in my life that I had seen tears in my dad's eyes...when I was arrested. The other time was when he spoke of his alcoholic father-who died from alcoholism before the age of 40.
I was labeled a "chronic relapser." Several years of trying to get and stay sober...I could never manage to get past 60 days or so. I have my theories on this but they're too involved to go into right now.
There were many other "bottoms"...scaring my kids, increased blackouts, losing our house, etc. Many hospitalizations and emergency detoxes. Once I was even hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. Once the hospital stabilized me, what did I do? Yanked my IVs out, left the hospital, walked home and continued drinking again. I've had bleeding ulcers and needed blood transfusions. None of that seemed to wake me up. Or rather maybe it was the accumulation of them? October 13th, 2007 I sat in my TINY 20'x12' studio apt that I shared with the boyfriend. We had just lost our home...which was not entirely my fault. My alcoholism contributed to it most definitely. Other parties had a role, though. My dad and stepmom had taken the kids from me and rightly so. I was a train wreck.
I remember sitting in the apt and thinking "I'm just so frigging tired of living like this. I can't do it any more." And I went to an inpatient treatment center for 6 weeks. I had been to the same treatment center a couple years prior but really wasn't there for me at the time. I was there to shut everyone up and get them off my ass. This time I was there for me.
Of course my boyfriend was very supportive of my choice. He is not nor has he ever been a drinker. In fact, I think my former career in alcohol has permanently jaded him against drinking.
I can't stay I've been perfect since that night but I have yet to feel the need to climb back into the bottle. Some days are better than others...some days are really rough and its all that I can do to make it through sober. My stomach turns and I physically feel sick when I think to going back to living like I was.
So that's how I quit. No major event or anything. I guess I was just so beaten down and like they say "sick and tired of being sick and tired."
P.S. I normally hate pictures of myself...especially terrible ones. I'm posting this before and after to show what I looked like when I was still drinking and then when I sobered up.
And yes, I still have the puppy "Max." Although, he's a grouchy big dog now. ;)
And yes, I still have the puppy "Max." Although, he's a grouchy big dog now. ;)
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