"Don't cry because its over. Smile because it happened."

Its official now.  The "estranged" boyfriend and I are no longer estranged...and we're no longer a couple.  Although, we really haven't been a couple for years now.  I wanted this-so why am I so sad?  The relationship has been crappy for years and I've wanted out for years.  I don't know.  Maybe its the finality of it?  Although that probably will not fully hit me until I move out.  That's the unfortunate part of the situation.  I cannot financially afford to move out just yet.  The good news is that he is being understanding and empathetic to the situation.  He...that just sounds odd.  What do I refer to him as now?  The "ex?"  We were together for nine years but we were never married.  We were engaged for a while.  I'm really not patient enough to explain to people how I live with my "ex".  We have agreed that the plan is to remain friends.  I do hope that is a realistic wish.  We have been through A LOT of shit together.  More shit than some married couples who have been married for decades. At one time I considered him my best friend.  Actually I think we were better off as friends.  Calling him my "friend" right now doesn't seem accurate either. 

I guess I'll go with "ex."  The only situation where it would be sticky to explain is if I were to start dating again.  Which, NO THANKS!  I have no plans whatsoever to get into that mess anytime soon.  I want to be single and figure out myself before I even attempt getting close to anyone again.  Frankly I don't have the energy, patience or desire to even think of dating someone.  Right now my priorities are (in no particular order) getting a better job, getting my own place, going back to school and spending more time with my kids.  Although the latter part is difficult.  My kids are getting older and have their own lives.  I try to steal moments here and there. 

Our friends don't really know yet.  I've told my kids but I don't think they consider us "broken up" until I move out.  We haven't told his mom-just don't want to deal with the drama that would come along with that!  She would have to be completely ignorant to not know something is up.  We are not-nor have we been affectionate towards each other, we don't go anywhere together and for the last month or so we don't even sleep in the same room together.  Of course his mom is not the most perceptive person in the world so she may not even realize it.  They are not an affectionate family either, so things may appear normal to her.  That's one of the issues he and I have.  I'm big about family and I used to be affectionate.  I am Italian-American after-all. 

Something positive has to happen.  I've had too much negativity here lately.  Some of the stuff I won't get into.  I don't want EVERYTHING published in this blog.  Let's just say its not been a very good year.  Actually the last three years have been pretty negative.  I'm still sober, though.  That's definitely a positive.  Nothing is worth drinking over.  Ever.

I'm thinking that maybe another reason that I've been so teary is that its the anniversary of my mom's death.  Actually I just realized that it is almost to the minute right now.  16 years and it still sucks.  Its times like this when a girl could use having Mom around to cry to.  At times I feel incredibly selfish.  I feel "ripped off" by her damn cancer.  There's so many things that she hasn't been here to enjoy with me.  It also makes me face my own immortality.  Right now I am only four years younger than the age she was when she died.  Obviously I do not know if I will suffer the same fate that she did.  Although, I am diligent about my breast health, just in case.  I think I might start living as if I would have her fate.  That way regardless of what happens, I'll have no regrets.  No shoulda-coulda-wouldas.

L'amo la mamma.
Buona notte!