Resurrection!

Middle English: from Old French, from late Latin resurrectio(n-), from the verb resurgere‘rise again’ 

No, I am not dead...or in rehab...or jail...or the nuthouse.  ;)  Although, metaphorically speaking, you could probably say I've been in all of the aforementioned.

Things out West did not work out.  Phoenix was beautiful and I LOVED it out there.  I had an awesome time for the most part.  It ended badly and one day I will go into it more.  It may have cost me a very good friendship...probably one of my best and longest friendships.  All over a giant misunderstanding.  I'm still baffled.  One day I hope to get to the bottom of it.  

Now, with that being said, I'm obviously back in Ohio.  Licking County.  Ugh.  Yup, the same damn place I've been trying to get out of for so long.  That may be changing very soon, though!

Obviously I kind of abandoned my blog, here.  It wasn't entirely intentional.  I will admit that I did get entirely wrapped up in going out to and being in Phoenix.  (One day I'll blog about my adventures there)  I finally arrived there June 18th and returned August 14.  My laptop took a crap on me a while back...the motherboard went out...or that's what is suspected.  I have not been shut off from the Internet this entire time.  Been getting online via my cell-phone.  However, blogging is just not conducive on a cell-phone.  At least not for me it isn't.  Nevermind the fact that I DESPERATELY need glasses and cannot see small print, etc.  I now have a freebie laptop.  It has its issues but it was given to me.  Ya won't hear me complaining.  Also, it was given to me from an unlikely source.  But, that is for another blog day, also.

The rest of the reason for my blogging absence is basically my lovely depression.  My genetic predisposition to climb into my own little world and disappear for...god knows how long.  Although, there are worse things that I could climb into.  Oh say...a bottle...drug-house...ya know, things like that.  I was never IN a drug-house but I'm not saying that it was beneath me at one time.

However, I am back and I bring with me good news...I think.  It looks as if there is a good possibility of me having a job in Columbus and moving to Columbus!  Oh how I've wanted to go "home" for so long now!  Back to the city...my city!  This living in the sticks is for the birds.  I know there are tons of people who love nothing more than living out in the middle of nowhere, etc. NOT ME!  I detest it...with a passion!  Very much a city-girl.

I look at this as a resurrection.  The last 10 years of my life have not been so great.  I don't believe in regrets, so I can't say I regret it.  I am, however having a VERY difficult time finding the good in the last 10 years.  If nothing else, I guess it was a decade of lessons?  

By-the-way, pardon the appearance of my blog.  I don't know what's going on with it but I do not like the looks of it right now.  I'm somewhat irritated with Blogger and was thinking about switching to another blog site.  I just hate doing that, though.  I would have to learn a new set-up, etc.  Although, it appears as if this Blogger has changed quite a bit and I'll have to learn it all over again anyway.

Well anyway, I'm staying here for now.  With Blogger, that is.  Otherwise, I hope to be moving on and back to COLUMBUS!

Even if you are not a "city person;" ya gotta admit this is a lovely city!

36 Days...

...until I move to Phoenix, Arizona!  May 21st is the day.  I've started packing and going through stuff.  Well, not so much packing in the traditional sense.  More like going through all of my junk; throwing out what needs trashed, keeping out what I will take with me now and boxing up the stuff that will stay here until I come back for the rest of my stuff. 

I'm taking mostly clothes and basic essentials for the initial flight out to Phoenix.  I originally thought that I would have to pay out the ass for extra checked bags but now I really wonder.  I've went through all of my clothes and quite honestly, I don't have that many after I've weeded out the stuff that doesn't fit.  (I'm trying to decide if I want to have a yard sell and make a little extra cash or just give it all to Goodwill)  Its aggravating that I don't have many clothes but I can't be too pissed about it.  They're all too BIG!  Most women do not get pissed when their clothes become too big!  ;)  I'm wearing anywhere from a 4-8 in pant size.  (Stupid how clothes makers vary so widely in sizes)  I must have that body dysmorphic thing because I honestly feel like I'm still chubby.  Maybe its because I'm so out of shape, have virtually no muscle tone and a LOT of excess skin.  (My goal is to work on that and tone up)  

Anyway, where was I?  I get so easily distracted.  Oh yeah, the moving.  Like I said, I'm boxing up a lot of the other stuff so that it will be ready for when I come back to move ALL of my stuff.  My tentative plan is to fly out there, get settled in at Kim and Rob's & hit the pavement looking for a job.  Once I have a job I'm going to sock away every penny I can into savings.  I'll be going out there with some money but I want to build up as much as I can in savings "just in case."  Ya never know what may come up.  Plus it will be just me out there-nobody to bail my ass out financially.  But that's a good thing.  Its about time that I become financially independent.  Actually independent in general.  I just realized that I have always lived with someone-save a couple of months when my daughter was little.  (I had split up with her father and it was before I had gotten with my now-ex-husband.  She and I had our own little 2-bedroom apt for a little while.)  

Once I have the job and savings, I'll get an apartment.  I've already been checking them out online.  Here's where the "tentative" part is.  My plan is to fly back to Ohio, rent a U-haul and load everything up.  I'm hoping that this is July or August when my boys are on break from school.  I hope to have them drive back to Arizona with me.  I figure it would make the trip and moving much, much more enjoyable.  I'll get to spend time with the boys & we'll get to see several states that we've never been to.  It takes 30 hours to drive it straight.  More realistically though, I've heard that it takes two-two and a half days to drive it.  Probably wouldn't drive it straight through because even with us taking turns driving, we're still not going to get good sleep unless we stop somewhere.  I figure we could do it in two days easily.

Then they can help me move all of the stuff into my apartment and hang out with me for a week or so.  If they can stay long enough and I have the money to do it, I want to take them to the Grand Canyon while they're there.

  Again, none of us have been there.  I've already decided that we MUST take mules down in the Canyon.  That would be awesome.  The mule does all of the work and you're freed up to look at the sites, etc.  I would absolutely LOVE for my daughter to come too but I highly doubt that would happen.  She probably can't get the time off.  She could come another time and it would just be her and I doing the quality mother-daughter shopping spree!  I know the first place I want to take her too!  The Fashion Square in Scottsdale!

I was at the Fashion Square mall back in February with my friend.  Unfortunately I was broke at the time and just not feeling it.  That mall does have some awesome stores!  A Godiva, Louis Vuitton, Coach, Armani, BCBGMAXARIZA, Cartier, Jimmy Choo, Lush, Michael Kors, Neiman Marcus, Nordstroms, Prada, Swarovski, Tiffany & Co. and of course the standard stores that you find in most malls.  

When my boys have to go back to home to start back up school, I'll just fly them home.  (One will be a junior in high school and one will be a junior in college)  This is the plan, anyway.  The timing will have to be just right for everything to work.  Of course the sticky part will be trying to figure out a date to do all of this so that I can tell my future employer that I will need the time off.  A full week would be nice but I could get away with only taking 3-4 days off.  That's usually not a problem as long as you tell them beforehand.  This is, of course AFTER I'm offered the job!  ;)

36 days...let the countdown begin!
Tootles! 

Happy Birthday Bestie!

Letter to a best friend

Let me tell you about my friend Christine Marie Kuhn,

We met over the Summer of 1982.  Over music both figuratively and literally.  Both of us played in the junior high band (middle school now-a-days).  The rigorous practice of the obsessive compulsive and perfectionist Ms. Sandy Olesky!  Hated that bitch at the time but that bitch was amazing!  Hilliard City Schools f**ked up by letting her go…and she got screwed.  It was a witch hunt all because Ms. Olesky was a lesbian.  C’mon people…step into the 21st Century, will ya?  Your music program went to shit after you let her go!

I digress…end of commercial.  Anyway, yes I played the dorky clarinet until I could get my hands on my beloved percussion instruments.  (percussion was and still is a competitive area in band)  Our bond was initially over the wood instrument that we had to learn.  (Although, more modern forms of the instrument is plastic…go figure)  Then Chris and I chatted over our mutual musical loves…Quiet Riot, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Def Leppard…WAIT!  WHAT?  Def Leppard?  Are you barking mad????!!!  Def Lep is MUH SHIT!  We were so maniacal over the fab five that I think we were the only two who could stand each other!  (God knows our parents and other friends were sick of our obsessions of them) 

Complete lunacy, I tell you!  (Many of you can attest to this)  Any time Lep came on Mtv…you know, MUSIC TELEVISION…its still around…but way back in the day…ya know, they actually played MUSIC VIDEOS!  WOW…WHAT A FREAKIN’ CONCEPT…’EH?  I know, I know…its like a relic!  Anyway, any time Lep would come on, one of us would call the other and scream like a freakin’ banshee!  Many times we would call simultaneously.  She had call-waiting, I didn’t.  (My dad refused to get it, said it was rude)  So usually, my call would go through first!  At the time it was “…dude, Photograph (or Rock of Ages or Foolin’) was on.  Which was met with ear piercing screams.  WTF was wrong with us?  (I still think our parents should have had us tested for hormone overload) 

First DL show together…Europe/Def Lep 1987.  We had seen Lep separately but this was the first time together.  Awwwww snap, it was at Buckeye Lake Music…aka Legend Valley…not to far from where I live now…for now.  It was a dump fest!  Muddy and hot as hell!  People were passing out left and right from the heat!  Mud up to my knees…and probably Chris’ ankles.  (Chris was 6’ for those who don’t know)  We were digging, clawing, shoving and making our way to the front of the stage!  We made it!  So close that Chris could see up Joe Elliott’s shorts!  (Hey, I’m only 5’4 but it helps when your best friend is 6’…people tend to get outta your way)  My guy was always Rick Allen.  (Still love and admire the guy)  Hell, I even beat the shit outta Mike Boggs…lil fucker…in 10th grade for making fun of him when he was in the accident and lost his arm.  YES, HILLIARD PEOPLE…BET THE PRICK WON’T ADMIT IT BUT I F**KED HIS ASS UP!  Mrs. Calhoun’s 10th grade English Class…ask those who witnessed it!  ;)  Punk got his ass beat by a GIRL!  ^_^  Which brings me to another topic…lets face it, Chris was intimidating with her size.  Funny thing was, I was the one more apt to fight.  Maybe its my Italian blood.  Maybe I had a Napoleon complex?  I dunno.  I’m really no longer like that…UNLESS you jack with my friends, family or are cruel to animals!!!  I’m a very Zen…Hindu…tree-hugging…peace loving…neo-hippie type!  ;)  Otherwise, I’ll want to beat you to a bloody pulp. 

I’ll skip ahead…I got pregnant with my daughter in November 1988.  I was 19.  Obviously it was not planned.  My boyfriend at the time, her father, was not exactly the most supportive person.  I’m not here to trash him.  That is my daughter’s father.  He has his positive qualities and was/is a sickeningly talented guitarist…if only he could have channeled it in a positive way.  Let’s just say that things were not good when I found out that I was pregnant.  Things were suggested that I should do.  I did not want to.  I adored the life that was growing within me.  Chris was my rock at the time.  I think she was more excited about the baby than I was.  (Not that I wasn’t excited, I was just scared)  For a time I was alone and scared.  Chris was my total support…up to the point of offering to have me move in with her and WE would raise my daughter together if need be.  (We weren’t lesbians…not that there’s anything wrong with that…although we acted questionable just to get people to talk…that was our thing…to shock people.  Oh the boys we teased.)  We were each other’s “wing girl”…icky guy hitting on ya?  Come over and plant a kiss on the other…we’re Lesbos!  Sorry!  In reality we were straight…although we loved each other just like sisters! 

Chrissy saved me so many times during my pregnancy.  I have no doubt that if it were not for Chris, my daughter might not be here.  I had a couple of miscarriage threats due to stress.  Again, she was my rock!  The day I brought my beautiful daughter home, Chris MADE me go up, get her out of her crib so that she could hold her God-Baby!  She held my daughter for a good six hours!  Oh and not to mention that she bought everything under the sun that the child would even need at the time!  I shit you not, Chris bought a car seat, a playpen, a highchair, a walker, oodles and oodles of toys and clothes!  THEN three months later, Christmas came!  You can imagine the massive amounts of stuff that Christ bought her God baby for Christmas! 

Then came January.  L  My 5-month old baby girl and I were out in Hilliard shopping.  We went to Scott’s (TG&Y…remember that place?) looking for Valentines day decorations and a Valentine’s card from my daughter to her God-Mommy.  I picked everything out, got back home and my boyfriend’s mother called me.  (By then my boyfriend…and daughter’s father had gotten a townhouse in Hilliard and were working on trying to make it work for our daughter).  His mother called me.  “Ummm hi Dee, the State Highway Patrol is trying to get a hold of you.  They reached us.  There’s been an accident with your friend Chris.” 

I thought this quite odd but back in the day, there were no cell phones.  They would rummage through your purse/personal belongings if you were in an accident.  Obviously they will start at the beginning of the alphabet.  My ex-boyfriend’s name started with a B.  (Which, incidentally, Chris and her boyfriend Todd introduced us.  Sadly, Todd has passed as well…if you remember/knew him.  Some people were shocked that I brought him to the funeral.  I did so because the last couple moths of Chris‘ life, she and Todd were talking on a very friendly basis.  It was my hope that they were working on getting back together.  Regardless, they were at least good friends towards the end.)  I immediately called the SHP, they gave me a number to call at Doctor’s West Hosp.  I call it.  They said “Yes, your friend has been in an accident.  We cannot release any information, you’ll have to call her parents.  They just left.”  I was barely 20 years old.  I thought “Oh, Ralph and Marsha just left.  She must be fine.  I’ll call them.”  So I dial the number that I STILL know by heart.  Ralph answered and I said “Is Chris okay?  What’s going on?”  He immediately gave the phone to Marsha.  That’s when I heard the most horrible words that I think I’ve ever heard…”No Dee, Chrissy is not okay.  She’s had an accident.  She’s gone.  She died.”  I LITERALLY slid down the wall that I was leaning up against.  Balled myself up into a fetal position and cried hysterically for I don’t know how long.  The next thing I remember is my mom showing up at my front door…to take care of “the baby”…and myself.  Marsha asked me to call several of our mutual friends, which I did.  I don’t remember who I called or what I said.  I just remember that I called several. 

It sounds morbid but I drove out to the accident site later that night.  (For those who do not know…if you know the Darby Estates area…Chris went out Hubbard Rd. to where it dead ends into Broad Street.  She and a mutual friend from California were heading to the West side…ya know, when it was still viable?  LOL  The SHP said that she ran the stop sign…she didn’t.  She drove that intersection daily.  Her parents and I think that she did a “rolling stop” and tried to turn left.  It was a pain-in-the-ass intersection. There were no drugs or alcohol involved.  Chrissy and I may have had our “party” moments…but we did NOT drink (or anything else) and drive. 

Unfortunately a lady living in West Jeff heading into WJ (West) hit her.  Wasn’t the lady’s fault.  (I have since been told that she had felt horribly guilty about the accident.  I talked to her and assured her that none of us blamed her)  Just a mistake and a misjudgment on Chris’s part.  Pure accident.  Death by Hemothorax.  I later learned in nursing school…Chris basically took too much trauma in the chest area.  I was told that she did not suffer.  Fittingly enough, it was around 2am and I parked my car on the West side of Hubbard Rd.  I got out and gazed at the intersection.  Some debris was left.  I found a mangled Def Leppard pin that I know Chris had on her jean-jacket.  It was bent and somewhat tarnished…I waited for the traffic to pass, went out and picked it up.  I still have it. 

Our mutual friend was paralyzed but last I talked to her, she is thriving in the beautiful music scene of Los Angeles.  Part of me died that day.  The innocent, naïve, goofy part of me.  I grew up…and I grew up quick.  My best friend was gone.  My confidant was gone.  The friend that held me together when I wanted to lose it was gone.  My innocence was gone.  But that’s okay, I needed to grow up.  I just wish it hadn’t happened that way.  I had my baby girl to live for now.

As I stood at Tidd’s Funeral Home, I walked by her casket.  The yellow roses, the little teddy bear and the roses that said “God-Mother.”  I held my 5-month old baby girl.  And I told her, “This is YOUR God-Mommy…she is YOUR guardian angel and she will always watch after you.  Your Aunt Chrissy will always watch over you!” 

And she has.  <3

I love you bitch!  And I miss you!




And my beautiful daughter…Chris’ God-baby…that lil 5-month old baby girl…

Riquendra Krystyne…

Doesn’t she just have that “bad-ass blond Chris look about her?”  Yup, I think Chris would be proud.   I love you Kiwi!  

Please share your stories, memories of Chris...for my daughter...so that she knows what an awesome person her God-Mommy was!  :)

 

Goin' West!

*deep breath*  Well, I'm gonna do it!  Going to up and move 1,800 miles away from Central Ohio-a place I have called home for 43 years.  (My whole life, if anyone is counting)  The tentative moving date is Saturday May 4th.  There is a certain someone who; I think, would like me to be moving at an earlier date.  But, it just ain't happening.  I will not rush myself on this.  It already seems to be happening so quickly as it is.  I mean there's no way in Hell that a year ago I would've believed that I would be moving out of state-let alone ¾ of the way across the country. 

I would be lying if I said that I wouldn't miss Columbus.  Although, I can securely say that I will not miss Heath, Newark...Licking County in general.  I've lived out here too long.  I didn't want to move out here to begin with.  I didn't like it when I got here, I didn't like it for the 9+ years that I've been here and I don't like it now.  I have had some good experiences here and met some great people but for the most part, it has not been ppositive or enjoyable.  I have always felt like a fish-out-of-water out here.  When you think about it, its somewhat odd considering that Licking County is just the next county over from Franklin County (The Columbus Metro Area).  It sure is a world of a difference, though.  I will probably always miss Hilliard/Columbus.  I will not miss the shitty Ohio weather! 

So where am I going?  Phoenix, AZ!  Nervous and excited...but more excited!  It will be like a new beginning for me.  And what a perfect place to begin!  Phoenix, the Greek mythical bird who is regenerated, rises and is reborn from its ashes. 

To be continued...

Arctic Blast, No Thank You!

Its -9F degrees here with the wind chill factor.  There were accidents earlier all over the state from black ice and white-out conditions.  We're talking multi-car, too!  29 vehicle pile-up in Columbus.  22 vehicles North of Columbus and 33 vehicles in Cincy! 

Have I mentioned how much I detest the weather here?

Meanwhile, in beautiful Phoenix, it was a sunny 80F degrees today.  It will be in the low 80s all week and 76F degrees Friday when I fly in. 

Here is a view from a mesa out there.  Its a view of the Phoenix area.  I've heard that the sunsets are spectacular.  Looks pretty nice to me!

I really wanted to go tanning for a couple of weeks so that I could at least get a base tan.  Of course I never was able to.  (Lack of funds)  I'm so pale that I'm practically glowing in the dark!  I've never understood that; I'm Italian and get very dark in the Summer.  Over the Winter I'm obviously not out in the sun.  I end up being as pale as a ghost.  Maybe I can get a slight tan while I'm out there.

Centenary Post!

Out with 2012-don't let the door hit ya in the ass!  'Twas not a very good year for me at all.  I no longer "do" resolutions but I am going to make it my priority to see that 2013 is a better year.  

Apparently this is the year of the Snake, hence the cracked-out looking snake to the Left here.  I'm a Rooster but I can't remember what all that entails.  I'm not a big follower of the Chinese Zodiac.  However, I did read a partial 2013 prediction for myself (Leo) the other day.  It was very interesting and seemed to be most poignant given my situation and what I've been considering lately.  

Get ready to dig deeply in 2013, Leo. You're going into a phase of complete and total metamorphosis. This will require considerable self-analysis and probing into your past patterns, but all the work will be more than worth it. You're on the verge of discovering just how powerful, strong and resilient you are at your very core. If you have ever doubted your strength, after 2013 you'll never question your resourcefulness again. Saturn, the great karmic lord of trials and tribulations, will be camping out at the base of your horoscope until 2015, so you'll have plenty of time to delve into the depths. Family issues and psychological patterns inherited from your parents will come to the surface this year, making your more aware of -- and able to avoid -- negative patterns. Wake up, Leo! Get ready for a major rebirth.

I won't go into details right now but let me just say that I'm taking a trip to Phoenix January 25th-February 10th to check things out.  It will be a first time out there for me!  I haven't vacationed in years, let alone gone West.  I have to almost all of the Eastern, New England & Southern states.  Forget being West of the Mississippi... I never never been West of Indianapolis!  Not to mention, I haven't been on a flight since 9/11/01.  Not that I'm afraid to fly, its just I'm not acclimated to all of the changes.  My biggest issue will be going without a cigarette for so many hours.  The flight is 4.5 hours and from my understanding, once you go through security you can't go back outside.  (That means throw on at least another hour or two...ugh)  I will have to supply myself with plenty of gum, patches or anything else I can find. 

So excited and can't wait!  I'm going to try to slip in a short trip to Vegas to see my friend.  Vegas is only about a 5 hour trip from Phoenix and I've found a couple of bus services that do it for $40...which is not bad at all.  I would love to see the Grand Canyon too but not sure if I'll make it this trip.  If not, I'm sure I'll have time in the future...especially if I move out there!

Ya gotta admit; what a beautiful city, desert & sunset!  I've heard so much about the epic sunsets out there! 

Stay tuned!

An Open Letter to an Ex

Dear Mr. X,

I am finished with being sad and trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could have "fixed" things.  You see, I tried to "fix" things years ago.  I tried.  You didn't.  I'm done.  I came to this conclusion a long time ago and made it official three months ago.  So why am I still upset & sad?  I don't know.  I wish I did.  It would help me to move on.

I do know that its not me who is defective-as I had originally thought.  Sure, I make mistakes and I'm far from perfect.  However, I admit when I'm wrong...and I try to improve myself.  Not only did you deceive, lie to and betray me; but you also did the same thing to your mother.  You said you were sorry but continued your behavior-so clearly you are not.  I am here and will get over it.  Your mom is not.  She is gone and you cannot apologize to her in person.  You have to live with that.  I'm not trying to make you feel bad.  I'm trying to show you-as I have tried for years-that YOUR actions and words are like a razor.  You may not believe me but trust me, other people have felt your wrath.  You used to say that you've always had an affinity for women...probably because you were raised by a single mother, you say.  Well Mr. X, you have a shitty way of showing it.  The ones you have hurt the deepest are the women in your life that you claim to love the most.  Your daughters, your mother and myself for 10 years.  You have to live with this. 

Your MO seems to be that when you have a mess of things and no longer want to deal with things, you throw it away and start fresh.  Your choice of a new subject is quite peculiar.  I almost want to stick around to see the reaction from your family. Its probably a good thing that your mom is not here to see this.  Although, I think she suspected something judging by her comments to me before she passed. Do you not realize that you and your new minion have become what YOU used to crack jokes about?  Hmm, how ironic is that...considering my family are the ones from WV?  Sure, they may be stupid hillbillies, but they were smart enough to mate up with folks who are not blood-relatives.

There's much more than could be said on my part.  I'm not going to sit here and point fingers, though.  Know why?  Because when I do that, there's three fingers pointing back at me.  Like I said, I contributed to things falling apart and I acknowledge this.  I learn from my mistakes.

That's the difference between you and I.

I wish you well and hope one day that you will find whatever it is you are looking for.

Back Online!!

Woo Hoo!  I am back online!  Well, I was able to be online-it was just on a very limited basis.  (Basically my phone with a 3"x2" screen)  With my crappy eyesight, that was next to impossible to read anything.  (Procrastination at its finest...one of these days I WILL get in for an eye exam and proper glasses) 

The good news is that it was only the cord that was causing my laptop not to work.  Whew!  I was afraid that it might have been the motherboard.  That would have been quite costly.  Its amazing how attached and dependent we become upon our electronic devices & toys.  At least for me, anyway.  I'm not big on watching TV so I spend a lot of time on my laptop/Internet.  

While my laptop was down, I had caught up on some reading.  Read a few good biographies.  (I'm partial to them for some reason)  I was pleasantly surprised with Ozzy Osbourne's biography.  Me being such a big Ozzy fan since the early 1980s, I thought I knew all that there was to know about him.  Like I said though, I was surprised to find quite a few nuggets of info that I wasn't aware of before.  I also read Rick Springfield's autobiography.  It was mediocre.  I just had a hard time getting into it.  Maybe its because I've never been a huge Springfield fan.  I mean he's "okay."  Had a couple of catchy tunes from the 80s.  I never watched him when he had his reoccurring role on General Hospital.  Now I WILL have to admit, he is an extremely good looking man for his age.  He is 63 years old...amazingly four months OLDER than my dad!  You could definitely say that he's aged well.

Still looking for a damn job.  If I just had a car I would've had a job by now.  There's just nothing around here!  All of the good jobs are in Columbus.  (go figure)  I do have a couple of leads on jobs and plan to follow up with those this week.  Its a short week since Thanksgiving is Thursday but hopefully I'll be able to make some headway.  All I want for Christmas is a good job!  Sheesh!

Until next time...
Tootles Noodles! ♥

Technical Difficulties

Laptop is down.  Not sure what's wrong and not sure when I can get it looked at.  Depends on if I get the job Tuesday.

The Crud

Me and my big mouth.  I had just been bragging the other day about how I never get sick.  Pffft, guess who is now sick?  Moi!  Hopefully its just a cold and doesn't end up settling down into my chest.

Why is it that we always want our moms and soup when sick.  I want my mom's homemade veggie soup.  Unfortunately she's been gone for 16 years now-so I'm not getting that soup any time soon.  Oh sure, I could get some soup from somewhere.  Its never the same as your mom's, though.

I envision myself crawling into my comfy bed early tonight.  Surround myself with my plethora of pillows, snuggle under my comforter and find something good on TV.

Self-Sufficiency

I suppose you could say that I'm in a better frame of mind tonight.  Not a lot, but slightly.  The solution is easy.  I MUST get out of my living situation.  Sounds simple enough, right?  The hard part is getting there.  There's no one person to blame-its just a bad situation.  And, the fact of the matter is that I KNEW this shit would happen...eventually.  Not sure why I didn't prepare myself better.  Well, I know why.  Because with the majority of things in my life, I postpone, procrastinate or flat out avoid things are a) uncomfortable, b) painful (physically, mentally & emotionally) c) difficult, d) that I can't do perfectly or e) all of the aforementioned.  Of course I know what's wrong with me, my "character defects" and whatnot.  (Those psychology classes in college weren't for nothin')  My problem is that I don't know how to "fix" myself.  I don't know where to start.  My perfectionism tends to throw up a giant brick wall.  Its as if my "Super-Ego" screams "Well if I can't do it perfectly, fuck it!  I won't do anything!"  Meanwhile, my "Ego" and "ID" suffer the consequences...along with everyone else.  Obviously THIS is a prime example of where I need a therapist.  IF I could ever get in to see one!  I'm to blame this time on the therapist issue.  I still haven't called back to reschedule with at least somebody.  'Scuse my French but I've had a serious case of the "fuck its" all week.  

Back to the topic at hand...moving.  (See, there goes my ADD rearing its ugly head.  Sidetracked and distracted are my middle names)  I knew three years ago when this living situation began, it was not going to work.  In all fairness, the relationship with the former boyfriend was already on very shaky ground and I wanted out.  Actually to be honest, I've not been happy in the relationship for a good five years or so.  I think I was just hoping that things would change.  Obviously they didn't.  And like I said, once we got into this living situation three years ago, I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work.  Getting out has been very difficult.  I don't believe in regrets and "do-overs."  Although if I did, I would go back and make sure that I would NEVER get to a point in my life to where I was financially dependent on another person.  THAT has been the reason I have stayed in situations much longer than I should have or wanted to.  Eh, ya live and ya learn.  That will be one mistake that I won't be making again in the future. 

On a side note, the Italian Festival is this weekend and guess who is not going yet AGAIN?!  Moi!  Eight years in a row and counting.  There are many things that I haven't done in the last nine years since being with the (former) boyfriend.  Hence, one of the reasons that we are no longer a couple.  He doesn't share my interests and refuses to compromise with them.  But, enough of that mess.  I won't slam him.  He's not a bad guy.  We are just too different. 

Hell's Bells, I just realized...two posts in a row.  Maybe I'm starting to climb outta my funk after-all.

Anhedonia

Wow, its been quite a while since my last post.  Just not "feelin' it"...still not "feelin' it" and am basically forcing myself to post.  This has been one of my worst and longest episodes in quite a LONG time.  I know it will pass and I will get through it.  I just wish it would hurry up.  One of my biggest problems is that I still haven't found a job.  Although, I have a few leads on a couple of positions.  Now I just need to motivate myself to follow through.  Motivation...pffft.  One of my biggest problems.  No motivation for anything at all. 

I checked into going back to a therapist.  That has been a great deal of frustration so far.  I had my initial appointment several weeks ago.  A three hour evaluation, which is a pain in the ass.  I was shocked at first because the appointment was on a Thursday and the counselor set me up with a therapist the following Tuesday.  Relatively quick around here.  Unfortunately the therapist's assistant called me on the preceding Monday to let me know that the therapist would be out all week and that I would need to reschedule.  Ugh, okay.  Frustrating but shit happens.  She scheduled me for the following week on a Friday-which was actually today.  (Oct 5th)  I got another call from the assistant on Monday.  Turns out this damn therapist will be out all week again.  Nice.  I didn't bother to reschedule.  I didn't even bother to return the call.  I am going to have to later today, though.  Sure, I'm pissed off about it but I'm not going to get anywhere at this rate.  I'll just have to call and demand that they get me in with a therapist that will actually BE there for the appointment!  

I'm sure that if I were to see a psychiatrist that he/she would want to put me on more medication.  (antidepressants)  I'm already on one at a very high dose.  I seriously doubt its effectiveness anymore.  I've been on it for around 7 years.  I would like to be off of it but the discontinuation syndrome is pure HELL!  It is one of the worst, if not THE worst antidepressants to get off of.  

I gotta do something, though.  This is not living.  I am just existing...and I am miserable. 

"Don't cry because its over. Smile because it happened."

Its official now.  The "estranged" boyfriend and I are no longer estranged...and we're no longer a couple.  Although, we really haven't been a couple for years now.  I wanted this-so why am I so sad?  The relationship has been crappy for years and I've wanted out for years.  I don't know.  Maybe its the finality of it?  Although that probably will not fully hit me until I move out.  That's the unfortunate part of the situation.  I cannot financially afford to move out just yet.  The good news is that he is being understanding and empathetic to the situation.  He...that just sounds odd.  What do I refer to him as now?  The "ex?"  We were together for nine years but we were never married.  We were engaged for a while.  I'm really not patient enough to explain to people how I live with my "ex".  We have agreed that the plan is to remain friends.  I do hope that is a realistic wish.  We have been through A LOT of shit together.  More shit than some married couples who have been married for decades. At one time I considered him my best friend.  Actually I think we were better off as friends.  Calling him my "friend" right now doesn't seem accurate either. 

I guess I'll go with "ex."  The only situation where it would be sticky to explain is if I were to start dating again.  Which, NO THANKS!  I have no plans whatsoever to get into that mess anytime soon.  I want to be single and figure out myself before I even attempt getting close to anyone again.  Frankly I don't have the energy, patience or desire to even think of dating someone.  Right now my priorities are (in no particular order) getting a better job, getting my own place, going back to school and spending more time with my kids.  Although the latter part is difficult.  My kids are getting older and have their own lives.  I try to steal moments here and there. 

Our friends don't really know yet.  I've told my kids but I don't think they consider us "broken up" until I move out.  We haven't told his mom-just don't want to deal with the drama that would come along with that!  She would have to be completely ignorant to not know something is up.  We are not-nor have we been affectionate towards each other, we don't go anywhere together and for the last month or so we don't even sleep in the same room together.  Of course his mom is not the most perceptive person in the world so she may not even realize it.  They are not an affectionate family either, so things may appear normal to her.  That's one of the issues he and I have.  I'm big about family and I used to be affectionate.  I am Italian-American after-all. 

Something positive has to happen.  I've had too much negativity here lately.  Some of the stuff I won't get into.  I don't want EVERYTHING published in this blog.  Let's just say its not been a very good year.  Actually the last three years have been pretty negative.  I'm still sober, though.  That's definitely a positive.  Nothing is worth drinking over.  Ever.

I'm thinking that maybe another reason that I've been so teary is that its the anniversary of my mom's death.  Actually I just realized that it is almost to the minute right now.  16 years and it still sucks.  Its times like this when a girl could use having Mom around to cry to.  At times I feel incredibly selfish.  I feel "ripped off" by her damn cancer.  There's so many things that she hasn't been here to enjoy with me.  It also makes me face my own immortality.  Right now I am only four years younger than the age she was when she died.  Obviously I do not know if I will suffer the same fate that she did.  Although, I am diligent about my breast health, just in case.  I think I might start living as if I would have her fate.  That way regardless of what happens, I'll have no regrets.  No shoulda-coulda-wouldas.

L'amo la mamma.
Buona notte!

City vs Country

This is my original home...the Columbus skyline.  Beautiful, isn't it?  I have about had all that I can take of the "locals" bitching about "city people."  For the past eight years or so, I have lived in one of the largest counties in Ohio.  However, it is largest in AREA-not population.  It is a county directly next to Franklin County...which is the Columbus and surrounding 'burbs.  My original home. 

Now I'm not saying the city is for everyone...and that's fine.  You are either a "city person" or a "country person."  Nothing wrong with being either.  Its a personal preference.  I'm definitely a "city person."  However, I do on occasion enjoy the simplicity, beauty and laid-back feel of the country.  I just wouldn't want to live there.  In some areas of the country, folks are generally very friendly, polite and quite hospitable.  I have family in parts of West Virginia and have vacationed in many parts of the South.  (Tennessee and NC)  You can be driving down the street and see old folks sitting and relaxing on their front porch.  Its nothing to have them throw up their hand, nod their head conveying a warm and welcoming "Hello."  That's nice.  It restores my faith in humanity.  

Down in WV where my family is from, apparently they don't believe in street signs.  Either that or the damn things have been stolen or shot down.  I get lost every damn time I go down there.  Directions down there go something like this, "Well, ya go back down how ya just were coming in.  Now you'll see a fork in the road...ya wanna veer to the right.  Once you're back in the holler you'll come to another fork in the road.  Then you'll wanna veer to the left.  After ya pass over Hickman's crick (creek), you'll come upon Old Widah (widow) Hettie's Farm.  There you'll wanna take the second dirt road up the holler...don't take the first one, younse need a 4 wheel drive up that road..."  By this time I'm usually looking at the nice gentleman like he has a third eye.  They usually lose me at "the holler."  On occasion I've even had folks offer to take me where I'm going by me following them.  I've offered to give them money in the past but they never accept it.  Usually saying "No thank ye Ma'am, just being neighborly and Christian-like."  Oh if only all Christians would be "Christian-like."

However, its not always like that.  Maybe its a territorial thing, a personality thing, who knows...but the "country folk" around me tend to be assholes!  I don't even refer to them as "country folk."  To me, they are white-trash-hick assholes! All they do is bitch about how "city people" are assholes and rude as hell.  How the crime in the city is outrageous.  FYI, Columbus' crime rate is relatively LOW considering the population.  In fact, I have read reports that say the crime rate per person is actually LOWER in Franklin County than out here in Licking County.  Try explaining that to some of the twits out here, though.  

They bitch about city traffic yet I find the traffic out here MUCH worse.  They don't know how to drive and apparently the cars out here aren't equipped with turn signals.  Traffic lights and stop signs appear to just be suggestions.  Learning how to merge onto a highway also must not have been a prerequisite to obtaining a driver's license.  Also, the concept of the "left fast/passing lane" is foreign to them.  Its nothing to see one in the far left lane going 50mph or so.  

Crime rate?  Don't get me started on THAT!  Oh sure, the murder rate out here is fairly low.  They just molest children out here, cook up meth and blow up houses.  There was actually a couple busted a few weeks ago for cooking Meth in a Walmart store!  For real!  And it seems that every other week somebody is being arrested for child molestation.  NOT AN EXAGGERATION!  Last week a man was sentenced to 15 years for molesting/raping a 7 and 13 year old...impregnating the 13 year old.  This week a 33 year old man was sentenced for molesting/raping his foster child.  Nope, no crime out here!

I'm just sick of it.  Its a small town and seems like everyone knows everyone.  They are able to pick out a "city person" in an instant and have no qualms about rudely voicing their opinions of the city and "city people."  As I work with the public, I have to deal with these assholes on a daily basis.  I have recently grown quite tired of their rhetoric and have started to fire back with FACTS.  I was told to "F**k Off!"

Yeah, and apparently I'm the rude one.

I can't wait to move back to the city.

Why I Quit

I have been asked many times what got me sober.  I have thought about it many times and have yet to come up with an answer.  I just don't know what did it this last time.  Lord knows I had plenty of "bottoms."  Most of my "bottoms" were more severe than my bottom on October 13, 2007.  

November 2003 was when I got my first and only DUI.  Even though I was in and out of blackouts for the majority of the day, I still remember it rather well-considering.  For some reason I had just snapped that night.  It was just my kids and me.  I had just caught my (then) husband molesting my daughter and kicked him out of the house.  I had been a stay-at-home mom and had no idea how I was going to support myself and the kids.  My (then) husband gave me about $200 per week in child support but I knew that would be ending soon after he went to prison. 

I think that night the reality of my situation finally sank in and I started to loose it.  First I remember being incredibly sad and having crying spells all day.  I don't think my kids paid much attention to me crying.  Around that time it was quite common for me to be crying at some time or another.  Plus I think they didn't really want to ask what was wrong for fear of me irritating the shit outta them.  In my vodka stupor I would get all weepy, profess my eternal love to the kids while hugging and crying to them.  I'm sure they wanted to barf.  I would have.  

At some point my sadness turned to anger...and then rage.  Then I decided that I was going to go find my (then) husband and RUN HIS ASS OVER with my mini-van for molesting my daughter and ruining our family.  Luckily I didn't find him because I seriously think I would have tried to kill him that night.  In a way, my DUI might have been a blessing in disguise.  

I drove around town looking for him.  All I remember is sitting on the side of the road and not being able to get my minivan going again.  Turns out that the traffic in front of me stopped, I slammed on my breaks and veered right.  I ran off the road, hit a fire hydrant and did something mechanically to my minivan.  I am eternally grateful that I did not hit the person in front of me and that the fire hydrant was the only casualty.  (Luckily it was not a person along side of the road)  

My father and step-mother showed up and tried to figure out the best thing to do.  My dad ended up reporting the accident and me as being drunk.  A lot of people wonder why I was not pissed at him for this.  I wasn't then and I'm not now.  He was trying to wake me up and probably figured a night in jail might do the trick. I know it was killing him to do that.  It was only the second time in my life that I had seen tears in my dad's eyes...when I was arrested.  The other time was when he spoke of his alcoholic father-who died from alcoholism before the age of 40.   

I was labeled a "chronic relapser."  Several years of trying to get and stay sober...I could never manage to get past 60 days or so.  I have my theories on this but they're too involved to go into right now.

There were many other "bottoms"...scaring my kids, increased blackouts, losing our house, etc.  Many hospitalizations and emergency detoxes.  Once I was even hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.  Once the hospital stabilized me, what did I do?  Yanked my IVs out, left the hospital, walked home and continued drinking again.  I've had bleeding ulcers and needed blood transfusions.  None of that seemed to wake me up.  Or rather maybe it was the accumulation of them?  October 13th, 2007 I sat in my TINY 20'x12' studio apt that I shared with the boyfriend.  We had just lost our home...which was not entirely my fault.  My alcoholism contributed to it most definitely.  Other parties had a role, though.  My dad and stepmom had taken the kids from me and rightly so.  I was a train wreck.  

I remember sitting in the apt and thinking "I'm just so frigging tired of living like this.  I can't do it any more."  And I went to an inpatient treatment center for 6 weeks.  I had been to the same treatment center a couple years prior but really wasn't there for me at the time.  I was there to shut everyone up and get them off my ass.  This time I was there for me.

Of course my boyfriend was very supportive of my choice.  He is not nor has he ever been a drinker.  In fact, I think my former career in alcohol has permanently jaded him against drinking.

I can't stay I've been perfect since that night but I have yet to feel the need to climb back into the bottle.  Some days are better than others...some days are really rough and its all that I can do to make it through sober.  My stomach turns and I physically feel sick when I think to going back to living like I was.  

So that's how I quit.  No major event or anything.  I guess I was just so beaten down and like they say "sick and tired of being sick and tired."

P.S.  I normally hate pictures of myself...especially terrible ones.  I'm posting this before and after to show what I looked like when I was still drinking and then when I sobered up.

And yes, I still have the puppy "Max."  Although, he's a grouchy big dog now.  ;)

Getting The Hell Outta Dodge!

Maybe I’m being a bitch, maybe I’m just evil…maybe both.  My living situation is less than desirable.  To say the least.  I live with my boyfriend (for lack of a better term) of 9 years and his mother.  The relationship has went on about 7 years too long now.  Although, there really isn’t a “relationship” left.  We are roommates basically.  Actually, I think roomies have fun together and go out and do things.  Not us.

To compound my nightmare; his dear ol' mother lives with us.  (Long story of how that came about…will explain in another entry)  Her health is not the greatest and she has many chronic conditions.  Her lifestyle and refusal to change her lifestyle just compounds her conditions.  I do not feel sorry for her.  She seems to relish in her health problems and is actually excited when diagnosed with something new.  (Or is told that something is worse)  Her Chronic Kidney Disease is a Stage 4 now.  More than likely she will be on dialysis by this time next year.  We’ve told her that she really needs to watch her diet, quit smoking, exercise, etc.  She doesn’t care. 

The new thing is that I’m about 75% sure that she has Parkinsons.  Her doctor suspects it also.  I’ve been planning on moving out but this has made me push it into urgency!  I do not want to be stuck here taking care of her.  I know that may sound horrid but I have things in life that I want to do.  Going back to school is one of them.  Regardless, I have to work while going to school and there’s no way in HELL I could do all of that and take care of her ass too.  Not to mention "the bf" and his mom are extremely selfish and self-serving.

All of that is pretty much beside the point.  I have to get out of here soon.  My sanity is at stake!  I need a better job though.  My hours just got cut and last week I only managed 8 hrs for the week.  Can’t live on that!  Especially since I plan on having my youngest (son) living with me. 

The saga continues…

Help Wanted

Unfortunately I'm job hunting again.  My hours at work have been SEVERELY cut for the last two-weeks.  I haven't asked why yet.  I'm waiting to see if my boss has my hours back up on the next schedule.  If not, then I'll ask him.  Last week I was scheduled for 16 hours.  This week for only 8!

I really never stopped job hunting anyway.  This was a job I accepted just to have at least something.  In the meantime I had been keeping my ears and eyes open for something better.

There are a plethora of nursing jobs out where I live.  Unfortunately I let my license/certifications lapse years ago.  I was a stay-at-home mom and really didn't think I would be going back into the field.  I was really burnt out at the time also.  I was sick and tired of not being able to actually do "nursing patient care" instead of more administrative duties.  

Now I miss it tremendously.

I have checked into what it would cost and how long it would take to get my license back along with my certifications.  I have also thought about getting into Medical Coding/Billing.  I could finish that a lot faster.  Another good thing with the Medical Coding is that you can do contract work and/or work from home.  That would be perfect with me wanting to go back to school. 

In the meantime, I'm going to see about getting back some certification to at least be able to work as a tech somewhere.  That would at least enable me to be able to get out of here and into a place for Son "B" aka "Quack" and myself. 

As of recent developments, its imperative that I get out of here asap!  I'll explain that in my next entry.  ;)

Change of scenery

Thinking about changing the look of my blog.  Here are my final picks:

Anybody?