An Open Letter to an Ex

Dear Mr. X,

I am finished with being sad and trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could have "fixed" things.  You see, I tried to "fix" things years ago.  I tried.  You didn't.  I'm done.  I came to this conclusion a long time ago and made it official three months ago.  So why am I still upset & sad?  I don't know.  I wish I did.  It would help me to move on.

I do know that its not me who is defective-as I had originally thought.  Sure, I make mistakes and I'm far from perfect.  However, I admit when I'm wrong...and I try to improve myself.  Not only did you deceive, lie to and betray me; but you also did the same thing to your mother.  You said you were sorry but continued your behavior-so clearly you are not.  I am here and will get over it.  Your mom is not.  She is gone and you cannot apologize to her in person.  You have to live with that.  I'm not trying to make you feel bad.  I'm trying to show you-as I have tried for years-that YOUR actions and words are like a razor.  You may not believe me but trust me, other people have felt your wrath.  You used to say that you've always had an affinity for women...probably because you were raised by a single mother, you say.  Well Mr. X, you have a shitty way of showing it.  The ones you have hurt the deepest are the women in your life that you claim to love the most.  Your daughters, your mother and myself for 10 years.  You have to live with this. 

Your MO seems to be that when you have a mess of things and no longer want to deal with things, you throw it away and start fresh.  Your choice of a new subject is quite peculiar.  I almost want to stick around to see the reaction from your family. Its probably a good thing that your mom is not here to see this.  Although, I think she suspected something judging by her comments to me before she passed. Do you not realize that you and your new minion have become what YOU used to crack jokes about?  Hmm, how ironic is that...considering my family are the ones from WV?  Sure, they may be stupid hillbillies, but they were smart enough to mate up with folks who are not blood-relatives.

There's much more than could be said on my part.  I'm not going to sit here and point fingers, though.  Know why?  Because when I do that, there's three fingers pointing back at me.  Like I said, I contributed to things falling apart and I acknowledge this.  I learn from my mistakes.

That's the difference between you and I.

I wish you well and hope one day that you will find whatever it is you are looking for.

Back Online!!

Woo Hoo!  I am back online!  Well, I was able to be online-it was just on a very limited basis.  (Basically my phone with a 3"x2" screen)  With my crappy eyesight, that was next to impossible to read anything.  (Procrastination at its finest...one of these days I WILL get in for an eye exam and proper glasses) 

The good news is that it was only the cord that was causing my laptop not to work.  Whew!  I was afraid that it might have been the motherboard.  That would have been quite costly.  Its amazing how attached and dependent we become upon our electronic devices & toys.  At least for me, anyway.  I'm not big on watching TV so I spend a lot of time on my laptop/Internet.  

While my laptop was down, I had caught up on some reading.  Read a few good biographies.  (I'm partial to them for some reason)  I was pleasantly surprised with Ozzy Osbourne's biography.  Me being such a big Ozzy fan since the early 1980s, I thought I knew all that there was to know about him.  Like I said though, I was surprised to find quite a few nuggets of info that I wasn't aware of before.  I also read Rick Springfield's autobiography.  It was mediocre.  I just had a hard time getting into it.  Maybe its because I've never been a huge Springfield fan.  I mean he's "okay."  Had a couple of catchy tunes from the 80s.  I never watched him when he had his reoccurring role on General Hospital.  Now I WILL have to admit, he is an extremely good looking man for his age.  He is 63 years old...amazingly four months OLDER than my dad!  You could definitely say that he's aged well.

Still looking for a damn job.  If I just had a car I would've had a job by now.  There's just nothing around here!  All of the good jobs are in Columbus.  (go figure)  I do have a couple of leads on jobs and plan to follow up with those this week.  Its a short week since Thanksgiving is Thursday but hopefully I'll be able to make some headway.  All I want for Christmas is a good job!  Sheesh!

Until next time...
Tootles Noodles! ♥

Technical Difficulties

Laptop is down.  Not sure what's wrong and not sure when I can get it looked at.  Depends on if I get the job Tuesday.

The Crud

Me and my big mouth.  I had just been bragging the other day about how I never get sick.  Pffft, guess who is now sick?  Moi!  Hopefully its just a cold and doesn't end up settling down into my chest.

Why is it that we always want our moms and soup when sick.  I want my mom's homemade veggie soup.  Unfortunately she's been gone for 16 years now-so I'm not getting that soup any time soon.  Oh sure, I could get some soup from somewhere.  Its never the same as your mom's, though.

I envision myself crawling into my comfy bed early tonight.  Surround myself with my plethora of pillows, snuggle under my comforter and find something good on TV.

Self-Sufficiency

I suppose you could say that I'm in a better frame of mind tonight.  Not a lot, but slightly.  The solution is easy.  I MUST get out of my living situation.  Sounds simple enough, right?  The hard part is getting there.  There's no one person to blame-its just a bad situation.  And, the fact of the matter is that I KNEW this shit would happen...eventually.  Not sure why I didn't prepare myself better.  Well, I know why.  Because with the majority of things in my life, I postpone, procrastinate or flat out avoid things are a) uncomfortable, b) painful (physically, mentally & emotionally) c) difficult, d) that I can't do perfectly or e) all of the aforementioned.  Of course I know what's wrong with me, my "character defects" and whatnot.  (Those psychology classes in college weren't for nothin')  My problem is that I don't know how to "fix" myself.  I don't know where to start.  My perfectionism tends to throw up a giant brick wall.  Its as if my "Super-Ego" screams "Well if I can't do it perfectly, fuck it!  I won't do anything!"  Meanwhile, my "Ego" and "ID" suffer the consequences...along with everyone else.  Obviously THIS is a prime example of where I need a therapist.  IF I could ever get in to see one!  I'm to blame this time on the therapist issue.  I still haven't called back to reschedule with at least somebody.  'Scuse my French but I've had a serious case of the "fuck its" all week.  

Back to the topic at hand...moving.  (See, there goes my ADD rearing its ugly head.  Sidetracked and distracted are my middle names)  I knew three years ago when this living situation began, it was not going to work.  In all fairness, the relationship with the former boyfriend was already on very shaky ground and I wanted out.  Actually to be honest, I've not been happy in the relationship for a good five years or so.  I think I was just hoping that things would change.  Obviously they didn't.  And like I said, once we got into this living situation three years ago, I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work.  Getting out has been very difficult.  I don't believe in regrets and "do-overs."  Although if I did, I would go back and make sure that I would NEVER get to a point in my life to where I was financially dependent on another person.  THAT has been the reason I have stayed in situations much longer than I should have or wanted to.  Eh, ya live and ya learn.  That will be one mistake that I won't be making again in the future. 

On a side note, the Italian Festival is this weekend and guess who is not going yet AGAIN?!  Moi!  Eight years in a row and counting.  There are many things that I haven't done in the last nine years since being with the (former) boyfriend.  Hence, one of the reasons that we are no longer a couple.  He doesn't share my interests and refuses to compromise with them.  But, enough of that mess.  I won't slam him.  He's not a bad guy.  We are just too different. 

Hell's Bells, I just realized...two posts in a row.  Maybe I'm starting to climb outta my funk after-all.

Anhedonia

Wow, its been quite a while since my last post.  Just not "feelin' it"...still not "feelin' it" and am basically forcing myself to post.  This has been one of my worst and longest episodes in quite a LONG time.  I know it will pass and I will get through it.  I just wish it would hurry up.  One of my biggest problems is that I still haven't found a job.  Although, I have a few leads on a couple of positions.  Now I just need to motivate myself to follow through.  Motivation...pffft.  One of my biggest problems.  No motivation for anything at all. 

I checked into going back to a therapist.  That has been a great deal of frustration so far.  I had my initial appointment several weeks ago.  A three hour evaluation, which is a pain in the ass.  I was shocked at first because the appointment was on a Thursday and the counselor set me up with a therapist the following Tuesday.  Relatively quick around here.  Unfortunately the therapist's assistant called me on the preceding Monday to let me know that the therapist would be out all week and that I would need to reschedule.  Ugh, okay.  Frustrating but shit happens.  She scheduled me for the following week on a Friday-which was actually today.  (Oct 5th)  I got another call from the assistant on Monday.  Turns out this damn therapist will be out all week again.  Nice.  I didn't bother to reschedule.  I didn't even bother to return the call.  I am going to have to later today, though.  Sure, I'm pissed off about it but I'm not going to get anywhere at this rate.  I'll just have to call and demand that they get me in with a therapist that will actually BE there for the appointment!  

I'm sure that if I were to see a psychiatrist that he/she would want to put me on more medication.  (antidepressants)  I'm already on one at a very high dose.  I seriously doubt its effectiveness anymore.  I've been on it for around 7 years.  I would like to be off of it but the discontinuation syndrome is pure HELL!  It is one of the worst, if not THE worst antidepressants to get off of.  

I gotta do something, though.  This is not living.  I am just existing...and I am miserable. 

"Don't cry because its over. Smile because it happened."

Its official now.  The "estranged" boyfriend and I are no longer estranged...and we're no longer a couple.  Although, we really haven't been a couple for years now.  I wanted this-so why am I so sad?  The relationship has been crappy for years and I've wanted out for years.  I don't know.  Maybe its the finality of it?  Although that probably will not fully hit me until I move out.  That's the unfortunate part of the situation.  I cannot financially afford to move out just yet.  The good news is that he is being understanding and empathetic to the situation.  He...that just sounds odd.  What do I refer to him as now?  The "ex?"  We were together for nine years but we were never married.  We were engaged for a while.  I'm really not patient enough to explain to people how I live with my "ex".  We have agreed that the plan is to remain friends.  I do hope that is a realistic wish.  We have been through A LOT of shit together.  More shit than some married couples who have been married for decades. At one time I considered him my best friend.  Actually I think we were better off as friends.  Calling him my "friend" right now doesn't seem accurate either. 

I guess I'll go with "ex."  The only situation where it would be sticky to explain is if I were to start dating again.  Which, NO THANKS!  I have no plans whatsoever to get into that mess anytime soon.  I want to be single and figure out myself before I even attempt getting close to anyone again.  Frankly I don't have the energy, patience or desire to even think of dating someone.  Right now my priorities are (in no particular order) getting a better job, getting my own place, going back to school and spending more time with my kids.  Although the latter part is difficult.  My kids are getting older and have their own lives.  I try to steal moments here and there. 

Our friends don't really know yet.  I've told my kids but I don't think they consider us "broken up" until I move out.  We haven't told his mom-just don't want to deal with the drama that would come along with that!  She would have to be completely ignorant to not know something is up.  We are not-nor have we been affectionate towards each other, we don't go anywhere together and for the last month or so we don't even sleep in the same room together.  Of course his mom is not the most perceptive person in the world so she may not even realize it.  They are not an affectionate family either, so things may appear normal to her.  That's one of the issues he and I have.  I'm big about family and I used to be affectionate.  I am Italian-American after-all. 

Something positive has to happen.  I've had too much negativity here lately.  Some of the stuff I won't get into.  I don't want EVERYTHING published in this blog.  Let's just say its not been a very good year.  Actually the last three years have been pretty negative.  I'm still sober, though.  That's definitely a positive.  Nothing is worth drinking over.  Ever.

I'm thinking that maybe another reason that I've been so teary is that its the anniversary of my mom's death.  Actually I just realized that it is almost to the minute right now.  16 years and it still sucks.  Its times like this when a girl could use having Mom around to cry to.  At times I feel incredibly selfish.  I feel "ripped off" by her damn cancer.  There's so many things that she hasn't been here to enjoy with me.  It also makes me face my own immortality.  Right now I am only four years younger than the age she was when she died.  Obviously I do not know if I will suffer the same fate that she did.  Although, I am diligent about my breast health, just in case.  I think I might start living as if I would have her fate.  That way regardless of what happens, I'll have no regrets.  No shoulda-coulda-wouldas.

L'amo la mamma.
Buona notte!

City vs Country

This is my original home...the Columbus skyline.  Beautiful, isn't it?  I have about had all that I can take of the "locals" bitching about "city people."  For the past eight years or so, I have lived in one of the largest counties in Ohio.  However, it is largest in AREA-not population.  It is a county directly next to Franklin County...which is the Columbus and surrounding 'burbs.  My original home. 

Now I'm not saying the city is for everyone...and that's fine.  You are either a "city person" or a "country person."  Nothing wrong with being either.  Its a personal preference.  I'm definitely a "city person."  However, I do on occasion enjoy the simplicity, beauty and laid-back feel of the country.  I just wouldn't want to live there.  In some areas of the country, folks are generally very friendly, polite and quite hospitable.  I have family in parts of West Virginia and have vacationed in many parts of the South.  (Tennessee and NC)  You can be driving down the street and see old folks sitting and relaxing on their front porch.  Its nothing to have them throw up their hand, nod their head conveying a warm and welcoming "Hello."  That's nice.  It restores my faith in humanity.  

Down in WV where my family is from, apparently they don't believe in street signs.  Either that or the damn things have been stolen or shot down.  I get lost every damn time I go down there.  Directions down there go something like this, "Well, ya go back down how ya just were coming in.  Now you'll see a fork in the road...ya wanna veer to the right.  Once you're back in the holler you'll come to another fork in the road.  Then you'll wanna veer to the left.  After ya pass over Hickman's crick (creek), you'll come upon Old Widah (widow) Hettie's Farm.  There you'll wanna take the second dirt road up the holler...don't take the first one, younse need a 4 wheel drive up that road..."  By this time I'm usually looking at the nice gentleman like he has a third eye.  They usually lose me at "the holler."  On occasion I've even had folks offer to take me where I'm going by me following them.  I've offered to give them money in the past but they never accept it.  Usually saying "No thank ye Ma'am, just being neighborly and Christian-like."  Oh if only all Christians would be "Christian-like."

However, its not always like that.  Maybe its a territorial thing, a personality thing, who knows...but the "country folk" around me tend to be assholes!  I don't even refer to them as "country folk."  To me, they are white-trash-hick assholes! All they do is bitch about how "city people" are assholes and rude as hell.  How the crime in the city is outrageous.  FYI, Columbus' crime rate is relatively LOW considering the population.  In fact, I have read reports that say the crime rate per person is actually LOWER in Franklin County than out here in Licking County.  Try explaining that to some of the twits out here, though.  

They bitch about city traffic yet I find the traffic out here MUCH worse.  They don't know how to drive and apparently the cars out here aren't equipped with turn signals.  Traffic lights and stop signs appear to just be suggestions.  Learning how to merge onto a highway also must not have been a prerequisite to obtaining a driver's license.  Also, the concept of the "left fast/passing lane" is foreign to them.  Its nothing to see one in the far left lane going 50mph or so.  

Crime rate?  Don't get me started on THAT!  Oh sure, the murder rate out here is fairly low.  They just molest children out here, cook up meth and blow up houses.  There was actually a couple busted a few weeks ago for cooking Meth in a Walmart store!  For real!  And it seems that every other week somebody is being arrested for child molestation.  NOT AN EXAGGERATION!  Last week a man was sentenced to 15 years for molesting/raping a 7 and 13 year old...impregnating the 13 year old.  This week a 33 year old man was sentenced for molesting/raping his foster child.  Nope, no crime out here!

I'm just sick of it.  Its a small town and seems like everyone knows everyone.  They are able to pick out a "city person" in an instant and have no qualms about rudely voicing their opinions of the city and "city people."  As I work with the public, I have to deal with these assholes on a daily basis.  I have recently grown quite tired of their rhetoric and have started to fire back with FACTS.  I was told to "F**k Off!"

Yeah, and apparently I'm the rude one.

I can't wait to move back to the city.

Why I Quit

I have been asked many times what got me sober.  I have thought about it many times and have yet to come up with an answer.  I just don't know what did it this last time.  Lord knows I had plenty of "bottoms."  Most of my "bottoms" were more severe than my bottom on October 13, 2007.  

November 2003 was when I got my first and only DUI.  Even though I was in and out of blackouts for the majority of the day, I still remember it rather well-considering.  For some reason I had just snapped that night.  It was just my kids and me.  I had just caught my (then) husband molesting my daughter and kicked him out of the house.  I had been a stay-at-home mom and had no idea how I was going to support myself and the kids.  My (then) husband gave me about $200 per week in child support but I knew that would be ending soon after he went to prison. 

I think that night the reality of my situation finally sank in and I started to loose it.  First I remember being incredibly sad and having crying spells all day.  I don't think my kids paid much attention to me crying.  Around that time it was quite common for me to be crying at some time or another.  Plus I think they didn't really want to ask what was wrong for fear of me irritating the shit outta them.  In my vodka stupor I would get all weepy, profess my eternal love to the kids while hugging and crying to them.  I'm sure they wanted to barf.  I would have.  

At some point my sadness turned to anger...and then rage.  Then I decided that I was going to go find my (then) husband and RUN HIS ASS OVER with my mini-van for molesting my daughter and ruining our family.  Luckily I didn't find him because I seriously think I would have tried to kill him that night.  In a way, my DUI might have been a blessing in disguise.  

I drove around town looking for him.  All I remember is sitting on the side of the road and not being able to get my minivan going again.  Turns out that the traffic in front of me stopped, I slammed on my breaks and veered right.  I ran off the road, hit a fire hydrant and did something mechanically to my minivan.  I am eternally grateful that I did not hit the person in front of me and that the fire hydrant was the only casualty.  (Luckily it was not a person along side of the road)  

My father and step-mother showed up and tried to figure out the best thing to do.  My dad ended up reporting the accident and me as being drunk.  A lot of people wonder why I was not pissed at him for this.  I wasn't then and I'm not now.  He was trying to wake me up and probably figured a night in jail might do the trick. I know it was killing him to do that.  It was only the second time in my life that I had seen tears in my dad's eyes...when I was arrested.  The other time was when he spoke of his alcoholic father-who died from alcoholism before the age of 40.   

I was labeled a "chronic relapser."  Several years of trying to get and stay sober...I could never manage to get past 60 days or so.  I have my theories on this but they're too involved to go into right now.

There were many other "bottoms"...scaring my kids, increased blackouts, losing our house, etc.  Many hospitalizations and emergency detoxes.  Once I was even hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.  Once the hospital stabilized me, what did I do?  Yanked my IVs out, left the hospital, walked home and continued drinking again.  I've had bleeding ulcers and needed blood transfusions.  None of that seemed to wake me up.  Or rather maybe it was the accumulation of them?  October 13th, 2007 I sat in my TINY 20'x12' studio apt that I shared with the boyfriend.  We had just lost our home...which was not entirely my fault.  My alcoholism contributed to it most definitely.  Other parties had a role, though.  My dad and stepmom had taken the kids from me and rightly so.  I was a train wreck.  

I remember sitting in the apt and thinking "I'm just so frigging tired of living like this.  I can't do it any more."  And I went to an inpatient treatment center for 6 weeks.  I had been to the same treatment center a couple years prior but really wasn't there for me at the time.  I was there to shut everyone up and get them off my ass.  This time I was there for me.

Of course my boyfriend was very supportive of my choice.  He is not nor has he ever been a drinker.  In fact, I think my former career in alcohol has permanently jaded him against drinking.

I can't stay I've been perfect since that night but I have yet to feel the need to climb back into the bottle.  Some days are better than others...some days are really rough and its all that I can do to make it through sober.  My stomach turns and I physically feel sick when I think to going back to living like I was.  

So that's how I quit.  No major event or anything.  I guess I was just so beaten down and like they say "sick and tired of being sick and tired."

P.S.  I normally hate pictures of myself...especially terrible ones.  I'm posting this before and after to show what I looked like when I was still drinking and then when I sobered up.

And yes, I still have the puppy "Max."  Although, he's a grouchy big dog now.  ;)

Getting The Hell Outta Dodge!

Maybe I’m being a bitch, maybe I’m just evil…maybe both.  My living situation is less than desirable.  To say the least.  I live with my boyfriend (for lack of a better term) of 9 years and his mother.  The relationship has went on about 7 years too long now.  Although, there really isn’t a “relationship” left.  We are roommates basically.  Actually, I think roomies have fun together and go out and do things.  Not us.

To compound my nightmare; his dear ol' mother lives with us.  (Long story of how that came about…will explain in another entry)  Her health is not the greatest and she has many chronic conditions.  Her lifestyle and refusal to change her lifestyle just compounds her conditions.  I do not feel sorry for her.  She seems to relish in her health problems and is actually excited when diagnosed with something new.  (Or is told that something is worse)  Her Chronic Kidney Disease is a Stage 4 now.  More than likely she will be on dialysis by this time next year.  We’ve told her that she really needs to watch her diet, quit smoking, exercise, etc.  She doesn’t care. 

The new thing is that I’m about 75% sure that she has Parkinsons.  Her doctor suspects it also.  I’ve been planning on moving out but this has made me push it into urgency!  I do not want to be stuck here taking care of her.  I know that may sound horrid but I have things in life that I want to do.  Going back to school is one of them.  Regardless, I have to work while going to school and there’s no way in HELL I could do all of that and take care of her ass too.  Not to mention "the bf" and his mom are extremely selfish and self-serving.

All of that is pretty much beside the point.  I have to get out of here soon.  My sanity is at stake!  I need a better job though.  My hours just got cut and last week I only managed 8 hrs for the week.  Can’t live on that!  Especially since I plan on having my youngest (son) living with me. 

The saga continues…

Help Wanted

Unfortunately I'm job hunting again.  My hours at work have been SEVERELY cut for the last two-weeks.  I haven't asked why yet.  I'm waiting to see if my boss has my hours back up on the next schedule.  If not, then I'll ask him.  Last week I was scheduled for 16 hours.  This week for only 8!

I really never stopped job hunting anyway.  This was a job I accepted just to have at least something.  In the meantime I had been keeping my ears and eyes open for something better.

There are a plethora of nursing jobs out where I live.  Unfortunately I let my license/certifications lapse years ago.  I was a stay-at-home mom and really didn't think I would be going back into the field.  I was really burnt out at the time also.  I was sick and tired of not being able to actually do "nursing patient care" instead of more administrative duties.  

Now I miss it tremendously.

I have checked into what it would cost and how long it would take to get my license back along with my certifications.  I have also thought about getting into Medical Coding/Billing.  I could finish that a lot faster.  Another good thing with the Medical Coding is that you can do contract work and/or work from home.  That would be perfect with me wanting to go back to school. 

In the meantime, I'm going to see about getting back some certification to at least be able to work as a tech somewhere.  That would at least enable me to be able to get out of here and into a place for Son "B" aka "Quack" and myself. 

As of recent developments, its imperative that I get out of here asap!  I'll explain that in my next entry.  ;)

Change of scenery

Thinking about changing the look of my blog.  Here are my final picks:

Anybody?

DOES Sobriety kill a relationship?

Way back when I first realized that I had a problem with alcohol, I had heard and read that many relationships do not survive when a person gets sober.  I can fully understand how this could happen...yet I always said that it would never happen to me.  However; years later, I think it may be.  

Its no secret that The Boyfriend and I have not been getting along.  Its to the point now where its not even that we fight.  That's the red-flag.  We DON'T fight.  I don't feel the need to anymore, I've pretty much given up.  He's not going to change and I do not want to live the rest of my life like I have been for the last few years.  The problem is that I feel guilty and I don't know how to get past that.

We have been together almost 9 years.  We've been through a lot together and he has saved my ass countless times.  He has been there for me when nobody else has and I'll always love him for that.  We are just not compatible anymore.  We don't share the same interests and don't want the same things in life.  His mother lives with us and that definitely has put a strain on the relationship.  It was fractured before and with her living here the last 3 years, its really gone South.  We have no privacy.  We don't go out ANYWHERE as a couple and I think that is the major problem.  The living situation would be almost bearable IF we made time for us.  I've mentioned this hundreds of times.  Nothing changes.  I've resigned to the fact that it never will.

The boyfriend made a comment the other day.  He said that I have changed since becoming sober.  I'm sure I have.  He commented that it seems as if I don't care about the relationship since I've gotten sober.  I don't think that's it.  I think becoming sober made me wake up to things that I do and don't want in life.  I'm no longer willing to be unhappy and just drink to "deal" with it. 

The problem is my financial situation.  I'm working but its only part-time and minimum wage.  Obviously can't make it on that.  I am college educated but in this economy its still very hard to get a decent job.  Hell, it took me quite a while to just get the minimum wage job that I have now. 

What I want is quite simple.  I want my OWN apt.  It doesn't have to be anything fancy.  I just want it in the town where my kids are.  (about 15 miles from where I am now)  My oldest two (almost 23 and 19) are pretty much on their own.  "Bam-Bam" (my 19 y/o) is off to college and only comes home for the Summer.  "Quack" is my youngest and just finished his Freshman year of high school.  I would like to be able to get an apt big enough for he and I.  I'm not real fond of the town they live in.  (Quack lives with my dad and step-mom)  But, I've swore that I would not pull him out of that school district.  Plus, all of his friends are there.  I'm a city person and I want to move back to where I'm from.  I've promised to tough it out, though until he graduates. 

I'm going back to school, also.  This is where it gets sticky and difficult.  How to work, afford an apt big enough for myself and son AND attend college.  It can be done it will just take quite a bit of searching on my part.  (Find affordable housing for us, etc) 

Just not sure what to do about The boyfriend or how to go about it.  I know for the time being, I need to get back into some therapy.  I'm getting increasingly depressed about my current situation and there's nothing that I can do about it right now.  I need to get back into counseling to figure out how to deal with it...without drinking, of course.

The Children Are Our Future

Now before anyone gets his/her panties all in a bunch, let me say: I do feel that ADD/ADHD is a legit disorder. However, I also feel that it has been WAY over-diagnosed. I do NOT advocate medicating children for it either. IN MOST CASES. Only in extreme Hyperactivity when nothing else has worked, do I agree with medicating. (i.e. Ritalin, Adderall, etc) Check for food allergies, adjust the child's diet, limit or eliminate sugar/caffeine, white flours, etc. Many times what appears to be ADD/ADHD is in fact a food allergy...or some other type of disorder with the child.

With all the above being said, here I go. *steps up onto Soap Box* While at work today I had a little boy come in, purchase a KING size pkg of Sweet Tarts and a 20oz bottle of Pepsi. He was a very cute and polite little fella and I chatted with him for a bit. Turns out that he is 9 years old and was home alone. (Mom and Dad were at work) No more than 5 minutes later, here comes lil man again. He was buying a 16oz coffee!!! I would not sell it to him. (I was not mean to him but I told him how bad that was for him after he informed me that it was in fact, all for him.) My boss was not pissed at me but did have to give me a verbal warning for refusing a sale. Sorry Jack but I refuse to poison kids for minimum wage! Its the principle! I'm NOT saying ban certain foods/drink. Absolutely not...government already has too much control! My issue is with the Gum Darn PARENTS!!! #1 WHY is this little 9 yr old home alone...AND running around to convenience stores by himself! #2 WHY is he permitted to drink and eat copious amounts of sugar and caffeine? (Btw, he was not fat...quite the opposite-not that it matters in this particular instance) And don't come to me with "Well, you know, kids will be kids." Sure we all pigged out on junk food as kids, not the extent that THIS generation is, though. Its epidemic! PARENTS...PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR FRIGGING KIDS!

An Attempt!

This is my not-so-swift attempt at doing Tiger Nails. 

I got the idea from here at The Nail Nerd.  She does a much better job and some amazing work!  Check out her site if you're into nail art.

Amore di Pasta!

I stumbled upon this great pasta chart & figured I would slap it up here. (click on the picture to make it large enough to read)  


What kind of pasta is on your plate? by Charming Italy
Mangia!

Its been awhile...

I've neglected my blog again.  Been in a funk for a few weeks and just not motivated to do much at all.  I have been thinking about a lot of things and evaluating my situation.  I'm definitely NOT happy the way things are right now.  I just haven't figured out exactly how to change it.  However, the good news is that by starting my job recently, I'm heading in the right direction.  The pay is barely above minimum wage and its only about 30 hours per week-but its something.  Never did I think I would be living in the situation that I am at 42 years of age.  Things happen, the economy sucks and the jobs just aren't there.  It DOES seem to be slowly improving, though.  

I complain about my living situation but it could be MUCH worse.  I want to make that clear.  I occasionally stop and think about how grateful I am for what I DO have.  It has taught me that material things isn't everything.  Emotionally I'm a train wreck.  I'm miserable in my personal relationship...and I use that term VERY loosely.  We do nothing that the average couple does.  The only thing that we do together on a regular basis is going to the grocery store!  (I am NOT exaggerating this in the least bit)  I have voiced my concerns over and over to the point where I'm tired of trying.  Nothing changes and it never will.  He has proven that time and time again.  The communication is even horrible.  It usually ends up back on me somehow and how I'm insensitive, negative, etc.  Well, certain life events and people have made me this way.  I'm not like this with everyone or every situation.  Only with people who refuse to communicate and compromise.  And I can't say this enough, its NEVER a good idea to live with other family members.  Especially a very nosey, nibby, stubborn and ignorant person.  

So what's my plan?  Well, for now to keep working.  I'm enrolling and starting back to school in the Fall and I'm signing up for income based housing.  The apartments are in the town where my youngest lives with my dad.  I'm tired of being without my kids...even though they're almost all but grown.  I refuse to make my son change schools.  He just finished his first year of high school.  Its a small town and he has oodles of friends.  I'm not really a "small town" person but I can tolerate it for a few years.  

Hopefully I will get financial aid for school in the Fall.  God knows I can't afford it otherwise.  There shouldn't be a problem at least getting a Pell Government Grant.  The last time I attended in Columbus, my GPA was decent and I was on the Dean's List a couple of quarters.  I might be able to find some small scholarships that I qualify for.   Speaking of quarters, the state of Ohio has made it mandatory that all universities go to semesters.  I'm not sure how I'll like that.  I get bored easily.


I'm also going to call around and see about getting back into therapy.  I have to talk to somebody...and it sure as hell isn't going to be anyone here!

Monday Movie Challenge

Week 17 - A Movie that disappointed you the most.

This is actually one of my favorite movies.  Well, maybe not what I would consider a "favorite" but probably in my top 50 movies.  Dying Young with Julia Roberts.  Its actually a very lovely story and very much the tear-jerker.  Its the ending that sucks...very disappointing.  With that being said, I would still recommend the movie.  ;)

 

Song Challenge Saturday!

Week 24: A song that gives you a feeling of wanderlust. 

This would have to be Stayin' Alive by The Bee Gees.  It automatically makes me want to take off for New York City!!

Song Challenge Saturday

Week 23: One of the sexiest songs you can think of.

I think that I'm biased on this one since I think the singer is sexy ;)  This song never really went mainstream because of the cursing in it.  I think the music is awesome, though.  Its when Cornell collaborated with Timbaland.  Which many Cornell fans HATED!  I loved it.  I enjoy almost all genres of music.

I'm Too Young for This Shyte!

Or am I?  Apparently not.  What am I talking about?  The dreaded "M" word...MENOPAUSE!  Not PERI-menopausal, I'm in full blow menopause and apparently have been for a few years now.  I have been going through it for the last 3 or so years meaning it started in my late 30s.  Good thing I had my kids at a young age since the baby factory decided to shut down early.  

Well at least one good thing about this, it explains a lot of the symptoms that I've had over the years.  My gyn is calling in an HRT prescription for me.  Not exactly sure which one it is yet.  God knows there's a plethora of them out there.  As I've done research about HRT (hormone replacement therapy)-I've always struggled with the pros and cons.  A few years ago it was highly suggested that I never take HRT "when the time comes."  This is because of my strong family history of breast cancer.  (My mom died of breast ca at the age of 47-just five years older than myself)  However, more current research shows that estrogen doesn't so much cause breast cancer but accelerates it once diagnosed.  Who knows what the real story is.  I've decided to go on HRT for now.  The symptoms that I am having are maddening.  I'll take the risk, for now.  I don't plan on being on this indefinitely.

Hopefully my doc orders something with estrogen and progesterone.  Apparently taking estrogen without progesterone puts you at high risk for uterine cancer.  This is obviously only if you haven't had a hysterectomy.  I still have all of my girly parts.

 I had noticed some physical and mental changes in myself over the years.  I guess they just came on so slightly that I didn't make the connection.  Now that its more pronounced, I knew something was up.  I'm almost always hot!  I haven't really gotten the "hot flashes"-its just that I get overheated easily and then its hard to cool down.  My skin looks like shit, I'll tell you that!  Dry and just blah!  That's from a huge loss of collagen.  Hopefully the HRT will improve that.  And my hair!!  Oh my poor, poor hair!  It has literally been falling out in clumps.  Hopefully the HRT remedies that also.  I'm still going to get most of it cut off.  Nothing looks worse than someone with long, stringy, thin, lifeless, dull, dry, brittle hair.  My daughter, the cosmo, doesn't want to cut it.  She says she loves my long hair.  Ugh!  It looks like shit!

I have a lot of the other symptoms of menopause.  Absence of a period being the most obvious.  Now that is a plus! No more annoying time of the month, cramps, bitchiness...well, I'm still bitchy but again, hopefully the HRT helps. 

I really don't have anyone to chit-chat about menopause with.  Most of my friends are around my age but they still have their cycles.  Obviously my mom and grandma are gone.  I could mention it to my step-mom but she and I aren't exactly chummy.  I do have a friend who is scheduled for a hysterectomy next week.  This will throw her into menopause but I don't know if we'll have the same symptoms since hers in surgically induced.  

So, I supposed I'll troll the Internet and find a menopause group.  Oh joy.  Eh, its not that big of a deal and I'll get over it. A lot of women totally freak out about menopause and insist that their sex life is over, etc.  I just don't give a rat's ass about my sex life...or lack thereof.  But, I guess that's part of menopause.  The libido tanks.

Regardless, its not the end of the world and I'll get through it.  On to a new phase of life... 

Such a procrastinator!

I neglected my Saturday and Monday blog entries.  Kinda been in a pissy mood here lately and when I get like that, not much gets accomplished.  I need a routine, though.  I've always been spontaneous but am the type of person that needs at least a little bit of structure.  I hate it but I do need it.

So, rather than go and backdate the challenges-I'll just post them this coming week.  Just skipping a week, no biggie.  

Just signed up to start back to school for the Summer term.  Gotta say "term" or semester now.  The state of Ohio has made it mandatory that all universities go to the semester system.  I've always been used to quarters so this should be interesting to see how I adjust.  Of course I haven't been in school for so many years-adjustment is such a relative term.  

Also, I recently found out that as of 2013, RNs in the state of Ohio who want to become a Nurse Practitioner will need a PhD!  Didn't see that one coming at all.  RNs with an MSN and currently licensed as a practitioner are grandfathered into his/her job.  I was seriously toying with the idea of obtaining my MSN for the purpose of becoming a practitioner.  Not now.  I'm not investing time and money (both of which I do not have) into a 10-year PhD.  Think I will stick with the original plan and become a traveling nurse.  Hella good money, get to see the various states and work in Florida when its too damn cold up here!

 

Monday Movie Challenge

Week 15:  A character that you can relate to the most.

I love the film Girl Interrupted.  Winona Ryders performance of Susanna Kaysen is excellent.  I can relate to Kaysen's situation whereas her parents don't understand her and think that she is completely nuts.  The "so-called" professionals misdiagnose her with Borderline Personality Disorder.  When, in reality, she is just a girl coming of age and trying to decide what she wants in life.  She knows what she does NOT want...and that is to be trapped like her mother.  

For those who don't know, the film is actually based on the true events in the late 60s of Kaysen.  (Based on her book)  If you have not seen it or read the book, I highly recommend it!

Slumber In Luxury...On A Budget

I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out a way to improve my sleeping arrangement.  In short, it sucks!  For the longest time the BF and I had been sleeping on an ancient mattress.  It belonged to his parents and I have no idea how old it is.  Lets just put it this way, I would not be surprised if the sucker came over on the Mayflower!  I have tried to convey to him the importance of one's sleeping arrangement.  Finally after he was nearly doubled over in back pain, he believes me.  Although, its not been much of an improvement.  He switched mattresses with his mom.  (Hers is not much better-its at least 5-8 years old)

The mattress is only a full size.  I am of average height and weight for a female.  The BF is 6' and over 200lbs.  A Full size is WAY too small for us.  I'm quite sick and tired of being pushed to the edge of my side-trying to sleep about 2" from the edge.  Also, I am what's called a "Flamingo" sleeper.  I sleep kind of on my stomach/side with one leg bent up.  WHEN I'm able to sleep in that position, I take up more room.  However, there's not enough room for me to sleep like that so generally I toss and turn all night.  

The BF used to be a side sleeper and was generally quiet.  He has gained some weight and I feel he has sleep apnea.  (He won't go be tested for it, though)  I don't know what is worse; his tossing and turning all over the bed, his elbows jammed into my back or his horrendous snoring.  Usually I end up getting pissed and waking him up to turn over on his side to stop the snoring!  Oh, and he also has some wicked acid reflux at night.  But again, he won't listen to me.  I attended nursing school and worked in the field...what do I know though?

We honestly need a King side bed.  That's not going to happen, though.  Its not so much that we can't afford it, its that he doesn't feel that its an important investment.  So, I've come up with an idea.  Slap two Twin sized mattress and box springs together to make a King.  (It ends up being the same measurement as a King)  I found several cute setups where someone has done this.  This one looks very nice...and I just love the color combo.  Its not really very "manly" but who cares.  The BF couldn't give a shit less what his bed looks like.  

Then if that set up doesn't work out, we'll go with the-what I call the Lucy & Ricky set up.  Haha!  That would be more for his protection.  If I continue to lose sleep from loud snoring and elbow jabs, I may end up suffocating him with a pillow!

And if/when the time comes for me to move out, I'll just take my nice little Twin size bed and go.  This way there would be no fighting over who gets a King size bed.  Once I move out into my own place, I'll be happy with my little Twin. Maybe even turn it into a princess canopy like I've always wanted. LOL   Trust me, I have NO intentions of sharing my bed with anyone in the near future!

Saturday Song Challenge

Week 22:  A song that makes you want to be a better person.

I'm sure that there's been several songs over the years that have done this but the one that comes to mind is Michael Jackson's Man In The Mirror.  It came out when I was at a pivotal age-18 years old.  This is not the original video but I chose this one because it has the lyrics...which are powerful.